


I Imagine Death So Much It Feels More Like A Memory,

by Skiewrites



Series: Bang Work [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Anger, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bargaining, Bitter ending, CCG Nagachika Hideyoshi, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Death, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fanart, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hide Big Bang 2018, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda?, Kissing, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Near Death Experiences, Neck Kissing, Not Really Character Death, POV Nagachika Hideyoshi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Sunshine Boy Nagachika Hideyoshi, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, Time Loop, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Torture, Trigger Warnings in first AN, Triggers, Unrequited Love, but still, hide doesnt deserve this, if you know what i mean XD, ish, so sorry hide, sorry - Freeform, suprisingly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:34:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skiewrites/pseuds/Skiewrites
Summary: Hide's already died in a thousand times, in a thousand different ways, in a thousand different places, caused by a thousand different people, only to wake up on the same bed, in the same place, at the same time, looking up at the ceiling with a racing mind.But, that’s okay.Because, as he looks up into his eyes, filled with tears and sorrow and the sprouting seed of hope, all he can do is smile as bright as he can, and feel a blanket being lifted from his head, making him be able to breath and think in a clearer way than he could in a century.And it’s okay.Because, he knows as the laughter rises in the background and the knife travels across his neck leaving a numbing trail, that he’ll do all of this again, gladly, a thousand times over.It’s okay, because it’s for him.





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS!!! SPOILERS FOR TOKYO GHOUL :RE, AS WELL AS TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR TORTURE ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IT IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU!!!!

* * *

 

_Grief is like having two lives. One where you ‘pretend’ everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain._

_\- Unknown_

 

* * *

 

(I)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and wonders.

He wonders about college, about the pile of essays that were due, but he’ll procrastinate doing until an hour before the deadline, about how well Kaneki’s bookstore date with a pretty girl went, about how weird and vivid his dream was last night, about ghouls and fighting and death and Kaneki being stuck in the middle of all of it, being the cause of some of it.

(He also remembers dying in the dream, remembers the pain of being eaten in the dream, and how relieved he was it was Kaneki who was doing it in the dream.)

(But, don’t worry. It’s all just a dream.)

Other than that, his mind is blissfully empty, and he mindlessly gets ready for another day filled with boring college lectures on subjects that he kinda regrets choosing. He changes and has a shower, packs his bag for the day and then texts Kaneki (see: spam), asking about his date as he leaves the house, forgetting to mention that his dream was stemming from the fact that Kaneki’s date was in fact a ghoul.

It was a weird dream anyway, but he plans to tell Kaneki about it when they have a coffee together in Anteiku, while he teases Kaneki about how badly the date probably went and flirts badly with the waitress, even though she really wasn't his type.

(He knows exactly what his type is, and it usually sits across him in a small homely cafe talking about the type of women he liked, and it _hurt_.)

He goes to a lecture (again), lunch and then a second lecture before he frowns and checks his phone, confused over the lack of response (again). Kaneki may not be glued to his phone like most of their generation was, like Hide was, but he always answered his phone, no questions asked.

The lack of response to the texts makes Hide worried.

(Not because it happened in his dream too, of course not. It was more the fact that Kaneki always responds _so why wasn’t he responding???)_

It’s not until he sits down later that night, watching the news of how two students have been crushed by steel bars in the industry estate of 20th Ward that he managed to build enough nerve to call the hospital (again), only to feel as if he had swallowed tar when he got confirmation that his friend was currently in a medicine induced coma to help with his recovery from an organ transplant operation, and he can’t help but try and swallow it down and digest it when the nurse says over the phone that he isn’t allowed to visit due to not being Kaneki’s next in kin (again).

So he texts his best friend as much as he could get away with, making sure to give Kaneki the opportunity to pretend that he was sitting with him in what was probably a white bleak hospital room surrounded by hot nurses and doctors that were probably keeping the poor sod out. He makes sure to try and get good enough notes in their shared classes for his friend and visits his apartment often enough to make sure that the plants don’t die in Kaneki’s absence.

And if he was avoiding alleyways, dodging certain people in the street and avoiding a particular cafe, well, he wasn’t telling anything to Kaneki.

At least, not yet, he reasoned with himself.

He means to bring it up when they were at Big Girls, but Kaneki’s sudden illness took him by surprise, and he instantly forgot about it while he made sure that his friend was alright.

(He probably should have put more effort into remembering, because than he would have been that bit more prepared for what was to come.)

It takes a while for Kaneki to come back to college, but he waits (because he’s good at waiting and because that’s all he ever does is wait and maybe at this point he’s too used to it to do anything about it).

 

* * *

 

When he next sees Kaneki, he gets the impression that something has changed between them, something irreversible, but, still, walking towards Nishio’s place with Kaneki still a stride or two behind him, he couldn’t place his finger on what was wrong between him and Kaneki, what was now keeping them apart after so many years being at each other’s side.

He gets the impression he’s forgetting something about Nishio, too, but he’s getting that thought way too much lately, and he’ll much rather ignore it for the events at hand.

Like, for example, walking in on Nishio and who Hide thinks is his girlfriend, or, well, he hopes is his girlfriend.

“Nagachika, I really don’t like having my territory violated. Can't you knock? Where is your respect for your elders?” Hide blinked before bashfully rubbing the back of his head, hiding the way that a sickening feeling of déjà vu that slips and slides down his throat and settles uncomfortably in his stomach with a heavy weight.

“I-I’m sorry. There was no excuse-”

“You say your sorry, but you’re speaking too loud and clear for that.” Hide laughed at the reply, but nobody else seems to find the words funny like he does.

Then, Kaneki trips backwards in the most dramatic way as if he had come to a terrible realisation. Hide tries to ignore it, but it nags him like a grandmother during Christmas as they try and find the disk, but he can't help but get the feeling like he’s missing something very important, and the feeling in his stomach gains a pound or two.

(Again.)

“It should be here.” Nishio muttered as he went through a small pile of DVD’s on his desk, a frown slowly growing on his face as it becomes more and more evident that it was not here, despite what he just said (again).

“Oi, Nagachika, look on that shelf behind you. It should be in a green case.” Hide blinked and frowned (again), before doing as Nishio orders and flicking through the different cases lined up on the top shelf, vaguely aware of the fact that Kaneki had been ordered to help look through the pile on the floor (again).

(Again and again and again and agi-)

“It's not here. Do you really need it?” Hide turned his head from the shelf to look at the older man, cocking his head in guilt and smiling slightly.

“Yeah… If possible…” He replied, looking back down and quickly rummaging through the shelf again just in case he missed it.

There was something that he was missing, something that he couldn’t quite reach, something that was on a top shelf and he was too short to reach.

“Oh. I think I took it home.” Hide snapped his head to look at Nishio, hyper-aware of Kaneki’s small (cute) frown at the words.

“What! Seriously!?”

The elder turned and smiled softly, but somehow it was almost predatory, and sends a shiver down Hide’s spine, but it goes away after a second or two, making him able to smile back.

“Hey look, I’m sorry. I know it’s a pain, but why don’t you come with and pick it up from my place? Since you seem to be in quite a rush for it.”

A cold shiver slid down his spine again, but this time it settled in his stomach, leaving him feeling sick and confused and anxious.

“Huh? Your place?” He asked, looking just beyond Nishio, staring at the small line of coffee placed upon the windowsill, hoping that he didn’t notice the fact that he was avoiding eye contact.

“Where else? I might forget it if we don’t go now.” And as much as he wanted to argue with him, the reasoning was sound, and it would look weird now if he said that he didn’t need it after spending so much time convincing him that he did in fact need the DVD to the point that they practically destroyed his flat looking for the blasted thing.

What a place he had been pushed into.

“Hmm… Okay…” Hide muttered underneath his breath, sneaking a glance at Kaneki, taking a note of his petrified face, almost smiling at the sight of it. Kaneki hated unplanned events like this, preferring have at least a week to make a powerpoint of things that could go wrong during the event and then planning for each and every outcome.

He probably didn’t want to come along with Hide, much to his dismay, and he was probably exhausted anyway, still recovering from a kidney transplant from his dead girlfriend.

Yikes, it sounds wrong to put it so bluntly.

“Sorry, Kaneki. I’ve gotta go to Nishio’s place. You can head home without me.” Hide said, turning to smile at his best friend (and nothing more).

“Um, I was actually wondering if I could tag along with you guys?” He replied sheepishly, causing Hide to choke on his own saliva.

Kaneki want to… Socialise?

Oh god, did he think he was obliged to go now that he was here? He was like, always thinking that he had to do something because he was there, from helping teachers like the teacher’s pet he was to walking a girl home from a bloody date just because he was a man and therefore it was his job.

And look where that got him.

He was too nice for his own good.

(To the point that he refused to take a bite, to eat like he wanted, to kis-)

Time to give him a way out, something that he’ll take if he knows what’s good for him.

“Dude, you’re still recovering, why don’t you go home and rest a bit?” Hide suggested, hoping that Kaneki took the hint and went home. He didn’t want to drag him all over the world, especially this soon after the operation.

(Not the fact that he was a getting weird feeling about what might happen again.)

(Again?)

(Again.)

“I’m fine, I haven’t been out in a while, so it would be a shame to go home now!” Kaneki smiled, rubbing his chin softly with his thumb.

Hide sighed before following Nishio out of the apartment with Kaneki trailing behind, his knuckles almost going white as he gripped his messenger bag.

After all, who was Hide to call out on his best friend lying to his face?

The walk was filled with light, if slightly awkward, conversation about Kaneki's interests within the college (or the lack of them) and the advantages of being on the committee. They picked up some fresh taiyaki, something that nishio seemed to love if the vivid imagery of what it tasted like was anything to go by. It wasn’t that good, in Hide’s opinion; it was slightly burnt and far too sweet for him.

Somehow, Hide wasn’t surprised to find out that Nishio had no proper taste buds.

“Ok, so take a left here. We’re not that far away now.” Hide sighed at the news, but couldn’t help but think something was wrong.

He was missing something.

It wasn’t until he took that turning that he realised that his feeling was 110% correct.

“It’s a dead end.” He muttered, turning around to look at the others, confusion etched into his face.

_His dream-_

_He had been through this before-_

“Yep.”

A well aimed kick to the side-

Flying into a pile of broken planks of wood-

An eruption of pain-

_-a kiss on the lips, forceful and desperate. It didn’t take long for the teeth to come out, to travel, to rip-_

“Hide!” Hide whimpered at the sound of his name being screamed by his best friend, dazed from the hit by Nishio, the rubbish digging into his back in a way that was neither healthy nor hygienic. His body was screaming in pain, pulsing from his side, needles piercing from the back of his head to his eyes.

Maybe he should close them. It would hurt less that way, right?

The other two were talking again, arguing maybe? But, Kaneki didn’t argue, went along with what people wanted, content with avoiding all conflict at all costs. He hated it with a passion, arguing and fighting and the pain it caused for everyone involved.

But then again, he was pretty sure he was in more pain than Kaneki could cause anyone, intentional or not.

Groaning, Hide went to move his head, or even any part of his body, before whimpering in pain as pulses of agony were sent coursing through his entire body. His head was pushed down by a heavy weight that pressed it against the wood hard enough to break the skin, his weak struggling seemingly doing nothing against the mighty force. He stopped struggling altogether in shock when a warm, lumpy and foul smelling liquid splattered across his face, surly mixing in with the blood.

He knew that Kaneki had a weak stomach, but c’mon man! Puking on your best friend because he’s a little (a lot) banged up? Not cool.

“Phew, I feel better now I've got that out of my system! Look at the mess on your face Nagachika! Ha!” Nishio’s voice seemed distant and…. Repetitive? As if watching a film for the second time and you’re not too sure of the lines yet but you’re catching on.

Catching on?

Catching on…

There’s the sounds of fighting the background, of arguing and physical hits and all Hide can think of is the fact that it couldn’t possibly be Kaneki because Kaneki is a wimp.

A big wimp.

The cutest and most beautiful wimp in the world.

Kanwimpy.

Hahaha.

He was going to die here.

(Again?)

(Again.)

(He’s catching on…)

He opens his eyes and frowns when he sees Kaneki staring at him. His eyepatch is missing. His eye is black instead, but only his left one.

Oh.

There’s a girl behind him, and he recognises her, but he doesn’t have the heart to try and work out where he knows her. He’s gonna die again anyway, it’s not like it really matters anymore if he knew her or not.

(He’s catching on…)

Kaneki’s ass gets whipped by her, and Hide wonders why this doesn’t surprise him. Nishio isn’t in his line of sight, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not around. He merely blinks at her when she approaches and leans down to his eye level.

He’s upset over the puke on his face. Now she got a bad impression.

She scoffs at him and stands.

He closes his eyes, causing the world to go dark, leaving him to listen to the sound of blood in his ears and the female muttering and the angry footsteps getting closer and closer, but none of them were an incentive to open his eyes again.

Thus, he doesn’t see the kick that knocks a dent in his head.

 

* * *

 

(II)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and then rolls over.

It was only a dream.

Wasn’t it?

 

* * *

 

(III)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and counts.

There’s three cracks above him in the ceiling plaster, and five points at which the paint is peeling, and there’s only one corner that is slightly damp, but the landlord doesn’t care enough for it to be fixed and Hide was too lazy to argue about it, no matter what Kaneki said about it.

Kaneki…

The raid…

The sewers…

Nishio…

…

What a weird fucking dream.

Sitting up quickly, Hide rubbed his chin, feeling the soft, slightly spotty skin underneath his fingertips. His mind is buzzes with the weird moments from his dream, where most of the people he knew were ghouls, as he mindlessly got ready for another day filled with boring college lectures on subjects that he kinda regrets choosing. He changes (again) and has a shower (again), packs his bag for the day (again) and then texts Kaneki (again), asking about his date (again) as he leaves the house, making sure to leave out anything about his weird ass dream, not wanting to make his best friend stress more about things he couldn’t control, like Hide dying in his dreams

Because there was no way that he was able to wake up again after dying or something.

(Again after again after again.)

That’s just stupid.

(Right?)

He was being an idiot.

(Again.)

It’s just some freaky dream.

(Again and again and again.)

It was just a dream.

He sighs as he puts his phone in his back pocket and places his hands into his coat pockets while breathing in the cold October air. For some reason, his mind refused to wander further than Kaneki or the dream, the two, very different, subjects refusing to be dislodged from his mind. He tensed his jaw tight as he hurried ahead, pushing his hands down in his pockets as his speed picked up and pushes as someone, small and thin in an unhealthy way, who was walking slowly, nattering away on their phone, moaning about their job and it’s requirements.

The speed he was walking was unnecessary, almost as if he was trying to run away from someone. He wasn’t going to be late for his lecture, in fact, he would be early by at least ten minutes at the rate he was going, but he couldn’t find it in himself to slow down.

It was almost like he needed to run away from the subject, but it want like there was any threat from each subject. He didn’t expect Kaneki to reply straight away (though it would be nice), and the dream was weird, sure, but it wasn’t like there was anything to it.

It was a dream.

(Again.)

He slowed down his hurried pace to a steady stop at busy junction (again), cars speeding past (again), rushing towards their jobs (again). He sighed as he waited for a parting in the traffic, head shaking from side to side at almost breakneck speeds as he tracked each car as it raced pass.

It took a minute and thirty seven seconds before he gave up and decided to walk down the block some more, hoping that the longer walk to his lecture would not only clear his mind of the topics that would not go away and release some pent up energy he seemed to have.

(He’s never done this before.)

It was not his usual route, much darker and more secluded. Unlike most of 20th ward, it was unwelcoming despite the brightness of daylight - not that Hide paid too much mind to the atmosphere, even if he did almost fall flat on his face when someone walked passed him at what seemed an impossible speed to maintain.

He had things to do, places to be, subjects to take his mind off of. He really didn’t have the time to worry about the level of welcomeness he held in an area where he has grown his whole life. He started to tap his fingers on the top of his thigh as he took another turn, speed walking past each lamppost and building, paying no attention to what was going on around him, opening his phone to check the time, feeling self-conscious of how fast he was getting to college.

One moment, he’s walking around a corner, engrossed in a new text from one of the people on the committee about the next meeting, his mind wandering towards the thought of hanging out with Nishiki, even though he couldn’t possibly be a dangerous person like his dream suggested.

The next moment, there’s a hand ( _kagune_ ) at his throat, pulling him into an alley and up against a wall. Hide’s eyes widen in fear as his hands weakly grasp for the one holding him up against the wall, his breathing coming to a stutter as he his airways were cut off from the long bony fingers that were wrapped around his neck.

He goes to dig his nails into the soft flesh beneath his hands to try and rip them away from his neck so he can _breathe_ , when a second man approaches. Hide thinks nothing of it, more focused on trying to get the hand off of him, until a soft click echoes in his ear and cold metal touches his temple, a feeling of dread and horror rolling down his spine in the aftermath, like dropping a bucket of icy cold water over your head without any preparation or forewarning, leaving you cold and scared.

“Make a sound, or a movement that I didn’t tell you to make, and the walls behind you will be painted with you, ever so nicely. Do you understand?” The new man, positioned in a way that his his face from Hide’s view, muttered into his ear below the gun, as if they were some innocent secret that he didn’t want spread around. Hide nodded vigorously as he attempted to swallow despite the current strangulation, continuing to hold the man’s wrist but making a conscious effort not to fight against it.

He didn’t want to die.

(again.)

He doesn’t fight back when a third person, small and thin in an unhealthy way, approaches them and tugs the bag off of him and starting to rummage through, leaving Hide to only stare as the guy searches through his stuff quickly and efficiently, neatly piling up all the valuables (like his 7 year old laptop that was too slow to be of proper use) in a pile and everything they considered trash (his precious, precious coursework that he spent 3 all-nighters on) in another. Just behind the rummager is the exit of the alley way, not even 4 yards away from him.

He needed to get out of here. He needed a plan.

He didn’t have the time to plan.

He needed to get out of here.

Looking forward at the man in front of him, Hide decided to go with a gamble. Relaxing and letting go of the man’s hand, Hide giving him all of his weight, which wasn’t much to begin with, forgetting that it came with the downside of being choked more than he currently wa, causing him to gag against the hand.

His bluff work though, as it caused both men to yell out in surprise with Hide’s sudden movement, causing him to move forward with the unexpected weight.

Hide took advantage of the new position, grabbing hold of the man’s arm again and lifting his leg as high and fats as he could, letting out a huff of air as his foot connected with the man’s crown jewels, causing him to drop to the floor as the man decided his pain was his priority. Not wanting to let go of his sudden freedom, Hide pushed the man to the floor and tripped into a run, sprinting straight for the entrance, speeding past the guy that had been digging, taking a second to smile at the gobsmacked look that seemed etched onto his face.

The corner was only feet away now, so close from being back onto the street, in public view. He took a second to wonder what he was going to tell his professor about his coursework, though if the fire burning at his neck indicated anything, he doubted that he’s teacher would call him a lia-

A single shot fired.

He jumped at the sudden sound, tripping over nothing and falling flat on to his face.

Not his proudest moment, by far.

“Did you think that you were going somewhere?” The voice, is from the second guy, and the only guy that Hide’s actually heard talk now that he thought about it, was far behind him, so he scrambled to get up, grazing the palms of his hands as he searched for a grip on the ground below him. Just as he was getting onto his hands and knees, a heavy weight on his back forcing him to lose his balance and shoving back onto the floor, the rough tarmac pressing onto his soft skin and causing it to break.

There was a heavy sigh above him, before the man decided to take the weight off his back only to land a rough kick into his side, causing him close his eyes in pain and attempt to curl in to protect his vital organs.

“We’re done here.”

A second shot fired.

A pain from his back spreading to chest.

Ah...he was bleeding.

He was coughing. Coughing blood.

There’s blood everywhere.

His blood’s dyeing the streets red.

He wonders who’s going to be doing the cleaning.

 

* * *

 

(IV)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and then rolls over.

It was only a dream.

(Again.)

(And again)

(and again.)

It was just a dream.

 

* * *

 

(V)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and lies to himself.

After all, it was only a weird ass dream (again).

(It’s the fifth time he’s had this thought, but it’s not like he’s counting or anything…)

(He thinks the same about the bullets that enter his chest, leaving five symmetrical holes behind.)

He quickly get outs of bed, forgoing his usual routine of checking his phone and liking all the photos that had been uploaded during the night and instead rushed to get ready for the day, despite not having anywhere to be at this time in the morning. He tapped the top of his thigh repeatedly as he brushed his teeth, forgoing his normal forty-minute-with-a-musical-number shower in favour of a quick rinse, the echoes of the dream still firmly lodged into his mind, almost screaming at him to do something about it.

It was a dream.

There was nothing he could do about it.

It was a dream.

None of it was real.

It was a dream…

(Just a dream?)

Looking up, Hide frowns into the mirror, soaking up every strand of hair that looked brighter than he remembered, every freckle that didn’t seem to be there last time.

It didn’t look right, almost as if the boy looking back at him wasn’t him.

Slamming the toothbrush back into its cup, Hide left the bathroom in a hurry, the dream still haunting his mind in a way that it shouldn’t (again). Picking up the first clothes he saw, Hide threw them on and went towards the door, picking up his key and leaving his apartment.

He needed to get the dream out of his mind.

A bike ride should help with that.

Taking two steps at a time, Hide hurried down the stairs, ignoring the strange look he gain from an elderly neighbour as he sped passed them at the entrance of the block. He had probably never been seen at this time of day so awake without a can of red bull or sweetened coffee in his hands.

Mmm. Red bull. What he wouldn’t do for a can right about now.

Unlocking his bike, he quickly hopped onto it before racing down the street, unusually busy for this time of day, as if everyone had decided that they were going to go out to work that day, or had at least decided to commute via car, sticking to the roads to miss the pedestrians more engrossed in talking down their phones to watch their surroundings.

Hide was okay with that. It means that he has less time to think about the dream.

Maybe he should pick up a red bull. He was going to be really early to class at this rate, and he did deserve a reward for that.

_-a small sip, a small thought, a small cough, a small choke, a large cho-_

Then again, maybe not.

Stupid dream.

He slows to a stop as he approaches a junction, where none of the cars were slowing nor were they letting the other go, making it annoying for a poor cyclist like Hide to navigate. There are a couple of people lining the pavement where they want to cross, the traffic making it impossible for them to do so.

Sighing, Hide scanned the buildings, his line of sight following along a well-maintained path that wasn’t used often.

If he went down it, it would take longer to get to get to the campus. But, he did need to get the stupid dream out of his mind. He goes to take the turning-

_-hand tightly gripping his throat, no air escaping, no air entering, a whisper in his ear, a threat, an action-_

A screech causes him to turn his head, eyes widening as they make contact with the man behind the wheel of the white van.

 

* * *

 

(VI)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and then rolls over (again).

It was a dream.

Nothing was going to hurt him.

It was a dream.

No.

It was a nightmare.

(No.)

(This was the nightmare.)

 

* * *

 

(VII)

When Hide wakes up again, he stares at the ceiling, and thinks.

He thinks about the fact that this is definitely not the first time, the second time or even the third time (it’s the seventh time) that he’s woken on the same bed on the same time with the same dream. He thinks about the fact that his dream couldn’t be a dream, not really, because there was no way that this was able to be a dream, as the pain was too real and it was too vivid and too well put together for a dream.

He was well and truly fucked.


	2. Anger

* * *

 

_Death is the easiest of all thing after it and hardest of all before it._

_-Abu Bakr_

 

* * *

 

(XIV)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and still counts.

There’s still three cracks above him in the ceiling plaster, and still five points at which the paint is peeling, and there is still only one corner that is slightly damp, but the landlord still doesn’t care enough for it to be fixed and Hide had always been too lazy to argue about it in the past and he doubts it’ll change in the near future because it hasn’t ever done in the past so why should he do it now? It’ll be pointless anyway, because he’ll just come back to this point of staring at the ceiling with a damp corner.

It’s Cycle 14 already, and things still haven’t changed.

Sitting up, Hide slowly reached a hand towards his mouth and chin, softly trailing down to his neck and shoulder, feeling the soft, unmutilated skin underneath his fingertips. There was no blood being licked from his face, no skin ripped from his shoulder by hungry teeth like in the Original Cycle. His head’s still on his neck, which contains no broken bones from the times he’s tripped down stairs, or was in a bike accident, or upset a drunk person that one time. There’s no bullets in his chest, no missing arm like his time with some rouge ghouls on the edge of the ward because he got bored and wondered off, there’s no blood loss like his encounter with Nishio.

Yet, it was hard to properly breath, as it felt like someone was still eating his face, still taki _ng chunks of important skin tissues away from his body and he still could feel the raw pain overpower his senses and-_

His mind buzzes with the past deaths and their Cycles, as he still mindlessly got ready for another day filled with boring college lectures on subjects that he still kinda regrets choosing. He still changes and still has a shower, still packs his bag for the day and then he still texts Kaneki, asking about his date, even though he still knows what happened, and what will happen if he doesn’t change it, as he leaves the house, still making sure to leave out anything about his knowledge about Kaneki’s new status of being a half-ghoul instead of being a human like his friend currently thinks.

He still doesn’t know how he’s going to break it to Kaneki that he knows, let alone let him about dying only to wake up again in his bed, a day after the accident, again and again and again.

But, still, he texts his best friend as much as he could get away with just like the times before for the sense of normality, making sure to give Kaneki the opportunity to pretend that he was sitting with him in what was probably a white bleak hospital room surrounded by hot nurses and evil doctors that were probably keeping the poor sod out. He still makes sure to try and get good enough notes in their shared classes, again, for his friend and visits his apartment often enough to make sure that the plants don’t die in Kaneki’s absence, even though this was all pointless in the end and he’ll be back here soon enough, having died again.

(The bigger problem is making sure that he didn’t die since there's so many ways that you could die when you realised it and why was it so much harder now than it was before?)

He still doesn’t know why he’s still acting like it wasn’t happening, like this was all normal, or just a dream that can be pushed to the side. He still doesn’t know how he’s able to pretend that everything was alright, like he wasn’t going to die and wake up later because of it.

He still doesn’t know why people don’t notice his change in behaviour.

(He does know. He knows, he knows and he still knows.)

(It’s his own fault, really.)

 

* * *

 

It’s sad to say that this is the longest he’s ever lived since the start of it all.

It just shows that there are so many ways that you can die any day in any way, really.

“Have you been following the investigator killings?” Hide doesn’t know why he’s bringing this up. Unlike the first time, he knows who Eyepatch is, who Rabbit is. One is sitting next to him, and the other is probably recovering at home, or doing a shift at Anteiku, or even at school, thought he couldn’t remember if she went to school or not, as most ghouls don’t go in fear of getting caught.

He somehow got the impression that she could work around that anyway, she seems like that sort of person.

“O-oh yeah… It is scary…” Kaneki lets his words trail off, and he is obviously uncomfortable with the conversation. not that Hide would blame him, since he is talking about Kaneki actually fighting and harming other people, something that Hide still couldn’t wrap his mind around.

Those ghouls must really mean something to him, huh.

(Where did that put him?)

So instead of delving deeper into the situation that Kaneki had found himself in, Hide rambles on about their only shared class that they were currently in and none of them really held any interest for. He still smiles brightly at his friend and he still tries to make plans after their lectures let out (except, Kaneki uses work to get out of said plans which wasn’t fair because work never stopped Hide before). He still waves as they part ways, but then he’s alone walking down the street to his apartment.

He’s so lonely, living a life (lives) like this.

Because, months ago, he was walking with Kaneki everywhere, spending all his time with his friend to make sure he wasn’t lonely. He was the one that made sure that Kaneki had notes from the classes that he missed because he is the only person who knows how much it would freak his friend out to be behind in a class. He was the one to make sure that his friend had food in his cupboards because he knew that his friend was probably too far into a book to realise that his apartment was out of food. He was the only person _there._

But now…

But now he was being replaced by some ghouls who didn’t understand Kaneki in the same way that he did.

But now he was lonely.

Rabbits die of loneliness. He had been the one to tell Kaneki that.

(Ha. As if death was the real problem here.)

Okay, so maybe he had been dealing with a lot of shit recently, but it doesn’t really make up for stalking his best friend, does it?

Hide sighed as he sat on a bench not far from where Kaneki was sat, causally stirring his coffee and taking his medication prescribed by his crazy-ass doctor (Hide should probably build a profile of him) like the good boy that he currently was, not like the person he’ll become after his birthday.

It's stupid, watching him like this, like a deranged ex-girlfriend that wants to make sure that he doesn’t get with a new girl, but the thought of Kaneki doing something stupid without him there to help was slowing everything down, so at least being here was helping with his anxieties.

He wants to help Kaneki, but he doesn’t know how anymore.

Looking down at the newspaper in his hands, he glanced at the article about the ghoul attacks before quickly skipping ahead to the celebrity gossip pages, looking at the words describing what was clearly the new scandal in the film industry but his mind seemed to have forgotten how to read, leaving him staring mindlessly at the picture in the middle of the article, a woman stepping out of a car and trying to keep her identity a secret even though you could clearly tell who she was anyway.

Deciding to give up on reading the paper, Hide looked up at his best friend (best friends don’t do this), who was still sitting at the bench with his book in one hand and a black coffee with two weird human-parts sugar cubes in the other. But, unlike before when he was alone, he had now been joined by a tall, purple haired man.

Hide took one look at this strange man and instantly didn’t like him.

The two begin to talk animatedly, Kaneki actually putting his book down and engaging in the conversation, or perhaps leading it by the looks of it. The other man nods along with what his best friend (are they best friends anymore?) and adds on to what Kaneki was saying. Though, it doesn’t take too much longer before he stands back up again, though this time he’s joined by Kaneki as they say goodbye. The man goes to leave, but he turns around again.

Hide catches the man’s eye who then looks back down at Kaneki again before smiling and walking off towards the main street.

Hide couldn’t help but follow him into the crowd.

 

* * *

  

It’s not hard to follow a guy like this one.

His height and European background already set him apart from the crowd, then add on his eccentric fashion choices and the bright hair, then even if Hide did lose this ghoul, he could just ask someone for directions of where he went, as this was one of those people that caught everyone’s eyes and knew it, strived for it even.

It was strange, to see a ghoul act like that and not get caught.

There’s two lefts, a right, and then another left again before they leave the crowd, now on what is considered the borders between 20th Ward and the next, a place that Hide vaguely recognises as one of the now many places where he’s died.

Ah.

Good times.

Hide has to take faster steps now to keep up with the man’s longer strides now that there’s no crowd to slow him down, and he’s slightly out of breath from the exercise when the other decides to quickly turn around a corner, forcing Hide to run if he wanted to keep on the guy’s trail.

Turning the corner, Hide takes a good three or four steps forward until he realises that in front of him was a dead end, and the man who he had been following was now gone.

Where had he-

“Well, well, well. So you’re the person who decided to stalk dear Kaneki from afar.”

Of course, he had been right behind him all along.

(The predator had become the prey.)

Turning around, Hide gave out what he considered to be his biggest, cheesiest (and fakest) grin he could manage, his eyes quickly taking in the small details he could pick up on the guy. The small dimple on his chest, the coldness in his eyes, the stiffness in his laid-back posture that could turn a relaxed hand in his pocket to a hand around his throat.

Ghouls were never people to mess with.

“Well, I’d hardly call a best friend looking out for his buddy a stalker in any means!” Hide laughs, internally wincing as his voice pierces the unnatural silence of the area and echoes around him forebodingly. The other man laughs with him, making him jump at the sound of the small chuckles.

“I suppose you are right. After all, I, too, am guilty of the same crime, if for different reasons than your own. Though, now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve never met a human stalker before!” He laughs again, as if his words holds a joke instead of causing shivers to rack up and down Hide’s spine. “Well, I do have to say that the chase was fun while it lasted, but I happen to be a busy man, and busy men like me do get ever so hungry.”

Hide’s eyes widened, flickering to behind the man and around him, looking for a way out of the alley. Before he could come up with an idea, a huge force was applied to his chest via the man’s foot, causing him to go flying back and back and back, until he slammed right into the wall at the other end of the alley, bones cracking under the force and blood and bile rising up from his stomach to his mouth and then quickly to the floor next to his face.

He let out a pitiful moan as he opened his eyes back up (when did he close them?), frowning slightly as he watched the man approach him, though, it seemed like his brain was lagging like a game with an overfilled server, because, at one moment, he was at the entrance of the alley, but then the next, he was looming over his broken body and then the next he was crouching down at eye level.

“Oh dear, I’ve already seemed to have bruised your brain. You’re pretty much useless to me now.” He muttered, or had he shouted out that last bit? “I was thinking of using you for the next meal, but they do hate it so when I bring along broken goods.” He sighs, before looking down at his stomach.

The next thing that Hide is aware of is the blinding pain that causing him to cry out, and after that he’s looking back up at the man who seems to be nibbling at a heart, before frowning and throwing it away.

Wait, doesn’t he need that?

“Just as I thought. You just don’t have the right… the right oomph. Shame, such a waste.” Hide blinks at the words, not truly understanding what was going on, his head dizzy despite not moving, and was overcome with an overpowering feeling of tiredness.

Maybe he’d go to sleep for a bit.

And when he wakes up again, he’ll have his heart back.

No he won’t, Kaneki had his heart.

Hide took one last look at the sky before sighing again and closing his eyes and falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

(XVI)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and still lies to himself.

This Cycle, the 16th Cycle, will be different.

(Just like how all the other Cycles were.)

Sitting up, Hide couldn’t help but still reach a hand towards his mouth and chin, still trailing down to his neck and shoulder, still feeling the soft, unmutilated skin underneath his fingertips. There was no blood being licked from his face, no skin ripped from his shoulder by hungry teeth like in the Original Cycle. His torso contains all his organs, which contains no internal bleeding from his time with Tsukiyama, or was in a weird accident at college, or upset a high person. There’s no knife in his chest, no missing leg like his time with some rouge ghouls during his time in the neighbouring ward because he got angry and stormed off.

He still gets outs of bed, going through his usual routine of checking his phone and liking all the photos that had been uploaded during the night but still gets ready for the day, maybe a bit slowly from his other Cycles, since he still doesn’t have anywhere to be at this time in the morning. He tapped the top of his thigh respectively as he brushed his teeth, then going through then normal forty-minute-with-a-musical-number shower in hopes to get rid of any pent-up anger, the echoes of the deaths still firmly lodged into his mind, still screaming at him to do something about it.

But he couldn’t.

There was still nothing he could do about it.

Nothing.

Zilch.

Looking up, Hide glares into the mirror, taking in every strand of wet hair that looked brighter than he remembered, every freckle that didn’t seem to be there last time, his hand clenching the damp towel in his hands.

Why?

Why him?

What did he do to get this?

It still didn’t look right, the boy looking back at him still didn’t look like him.

Slamming the towel in the overflowing wash basin, Hide left the bathroom in a hurry, the dream still haunting his mind in a way that it shouldn’t (again). Picking up the first clothes he saw, Hide threw them on and went towards the door, picking up his key and leaving his apartment.

He needed to get the dream out of his mind.

A bike ride should help with that.

(Or it might kill him, but at this point, did it really matter anymore?)

Taking two steps at a time, Hide hurried down the stairs, not looking where he’s going as he made sure to stamp down on each step, hoping to take out his anger before leaving the apartment block, accidently knocking into someone in someone, pushing him towards the bannister and over, giving him the perfect view of the cream ceiling as he fell and fell and fell, until there was no more room to fall.

 

* * *

 

(XVIII)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and still wonders.

He wonders how many times he’s going to die before he sees Kaneki again. (Hopefully not many more). He wonders how many times he’s going to die before he actually completes the work set by his professors. (He’s going to give a couple more Cycles before he gets too bored and too angry from the situation he’s now found himself in before he starts doing the mind-numbing work.) He wonders how many times he’s going to die before Kaneki gets into his head that he is there to help him, and knows what he’s going through, and what he will go through, even if he doesn’t know what that is yet. (An infinite amount, because kaneki will never get that into his head, no matter how many times it’s repeated.)

Sitting up, Hide skips his routine of feeling his neck and other places where injuries have occurred in the past in favour for just getting ready for the day, wondering how many times it’s going to happen, wondering how many times Kaneki has made stupid decisions and how many times the idiot has almost killed himself because of it.

Though, thinking back, he’s not sure why he seems so surprised over it.

This was the same idiot that decided to stay behind and fight the CCG’s Reaper after all.

 

* * *

  

When Hide still wakes up, he’s pleasantly surprised to see that it isn’t his own ceiling that he sees, but rather that of Anteiku.

Yay. He wasn’t killed by Nishio again.

(That’s happened way too many times now and it was _embarrassing._ )

(He should probably come up with a way that stops that event from happening all together.)

He yawns deeply as he tried not to move a lot, the bandages already tugging at his wounds form the forming scabs and the bruising sending small but long messages of aching pain to his foggy brain. In the background, he could hear talking, more like muttering, and the small amount of sobbing that had a distinct ‘Kaneki’ edge to it.

Ah, yes. This was the moment that he learned that Kaneki was a half ghoul in the Original Cycle.

Letting out a small huff, he closed his eyes again, resting them while soaking up the conversation, smiling slightly at Kaneki’s acceptance for the job, seeing as he lost his last one just after the accident due to his long-term absence, and let out a small sigh when the sound of talking moved away.

He couldn’t help but frown and still feel hurt over the fact that Kaneki would rather come here to solve his problems than come to him, despite knowing that nothing has changed from the previous Cycles, and knowing that it won’t change in the Cycles to come.

Turning over, Hide let out a small moan of pain as he nudged his back, his wounds ripping open slightly and he winced as he felt a small trail of blood come out of the now open wounds. Opening his eyes in hopes to look at something to take his mind off of the increasing pain in his back, he instead pushed his head back and took in a gasp of surprise when he saw that his vision was filled with only a face of a teenage girl with purple hair and a visible eye.

Touka.

“How much did you hear?” The words were muttered against his ear, though he felt the small gush of warm air leave her lips rather than hear her words.

He swallowed, unblinking as his eyes began to water slightly, but if it was because the pain was beginning to become unbearable or if the intimidation from the ghoul was too much for his little and abused mind, he didn’t know.

He didn’t know how to respond to the whispered threat.

He still failed this time, it seems.

He holds back a sob as he prepares himself for what was about to happen and he suddenly has a hand around his throat, slowly squeezing all the air and life out of his broken body, leaving him to stare blankly at where her left eye should have been, only to vaguely recognise that it was covered by hair.

This time, death isn’t a fast release for the pain he is going through, but rather a slow but warming hug as it greets him again.

 

* * *

 

(XX)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, then rolls over.

He goes back to sleep.

He ignores the weight on his shoulders, ignores the anger slowly beginning to build up, ignores the urge to scratch and pull and punish, ignores the slowly increasing pains in his stomach.

He ignores the world, and sleeps.

The world will still be there when still he wakes up again is the reasoning for the lie in.

(The hope is that there isn’t.)

 

* * *

  

(XXII)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and sighs.

Hide doesn’t even bother sitting up as he hand towards his mouth and chin, still trailing down to his neck and shoulder, still feeling the soft, unmutilated skin underneath his fingertips. There was no blood being licked from his face, no skin ripped from his shoulder by hungry teeth like in the Original Cycle. His torso contains bones in peak condition as well as no internal bleeding from his time he fell over the stairs, or was in a weird accident at work, or upset a really cute dog. There’s no glass in his throat, no stomach pains because he fucked up so bad in the previous Cycle that he punished himself, there’s still no blood loss like his several encounters Touka.

He’s still here.

The itch is still there.

He’s still here.

The anger is still there.

He’s still here.

He gets up and gets ready for college, purposely does some things more forceful than perhaps needed, but he’s careful about it, carefully walking down the stairs and making extra sure that there are no cars or stalkers as he crosses the street.

This was the 22nd Cycle.

He could make it to the end.

He better make to the end of the cycle.

He opens his phone to text Kaneki, only to stare at it mournfully and close it again. Kaneki was still in hospital, he would be waiting a month until he came out again, and then his best friend (because they were best friends at this point and not distant acquaintances) would start to distance himself from Hide after he makes friends with the ghouls at Anteiku.

Hide stopped walking, only to get pushed by an annoyed pedestrian over his decision to suddenly stop moving in the middle of the pavement.

(This has happened too many time before, and too many times has he ended up underneath a car because of it.)

If he was able to make sure that Kaneki didn’t distance himself during the period where he wasn’t friends with Anteiku, then surely he would be more open with Hide, and wouldn’t ignore Hide in this Cycle over the idea that he might eat him or something.

Mind made up, Hide started walking again, a sense of purpose suddenly filling him, reminding that, at some point in the last couple of Cycles, he had seemingly lost it.

He had some notes he needed to take.

 

* * *

  

Standing outside Kaneki’s door, Hide wondered if he should knock.

Because, for Kaneki, it would seem very normal for Hide to just walk in because that was just who Hide was. But, for Hide, it had been so long (years now, if he did the math right) that it just didn’t feel like he and Kaneki had that sort of relationship anymore.

Relationship.

Ha.

Once upon a time he thought that, if their relationship would ever change, it would only grow into a blossoming tree, pink petals scattering to the wind and warmth from the sun above.

Now though…

Now though, it was a withered weed, ready for extraction, to be thrown into the compost of past memories, quickly forgotten for the new plastic grass that can easily hide the past mistakes without any high maintenance eaten up by guilt and regret.

Hide didn’t want that to happen, but he also didn’t want to force Kaneki into something that he clearly didn’t want, so he was left floating in the unknown territory until he learned to get over himself and stop being so selfish.

He sighed, and decided that knocking on the door and then walking in will fix one of the problems that he found himself.

Two solid rap-pa-tat-tats and 20 seconds later, Hide was walking into the apartment, but he didn’t get far enough to close the door before he stopped in his step, his eyes fixated on the view in front of him.

The kitchen was a mess: food covering all the counters and spilling onto the floor and covering a satchel that had been placed down half-hazardously, its contents, (a book, some pain medication and a couple of pens) scattered out from it. The bin was overflowing with either food with one bit taken out of it or the food packaging it came in, and an overwhelming stench of sour bile filling the room with the undertones of the many foods that were out on display.

Hide took no mind of any of this, his attention fully on his best friend who was laying on the floor in all of this, softly sobbing while a bent knife in front of him

Did he?

He wouldn’t…

He couldn’t have…

Hide tiptoed closer to Kaneki, softly kicking the knife further away from the pair before crouching down to the crying boy.

“Kaneki--”

“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Hide jumped back at the shout, not used to hearing Kaneki use such a violent and angry tone, and struggled to take in a full breath of air as he looked directly at his best friend (his killer’s) eyes, one beautiful and grey, still shiny from tears and still mourning the loss of what he once took for granted, the other monstrous and black, with a red tint of lust and hunger-

_-a kiss on the lips, forceful and desperate-_

Swallowing down on nothing, Hide broke eye contact, but, nevertheless, kept up his approach to his best friend, thinking of the best way to calm Kaneki down-

_-The teeth started to bite, to travel, to rip-_

“No! I’m not going to let you distance yourself from you _best friend_ just because you now have a slight dietary requirement no-”

“I SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Hide slammed back into a counter, a cracking sound echoing in the room as his head was smashed against the fake marble, but Hide couldn’t make a sound of pain due to the tightening grip around his throat-

_-a tightening grip on his throat, gagging him, holding him, crushing him-_

There was growling in the background, but all Hide could focus on was the black dots of his vision, the roaring of his blood in his ears, his desperate, pathetic breaths as he gasped and choked, no argument being made as a moist tongue began to lap at the blood dripping from his ear which then begins to move across his face.

It takes far too much effort to turn his head to plant his lips on his killer’s, and all his energy is lost as he takes a final, choked breathe and closes his eyes for the final time, his mind firmly stuck on the beauty that would forever remain in killer’s right eye for as long as he shall live.

Grey: The eye colour that belonged to a man who meant too much to him, and who he meant much too little to.


	3. Bargaining

* * *

 

_Grief never ends. But it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price for love._

_-Unknown_

 

* * *

 

(XLIX)

When Hide wakes up, he stares at the ceiling, and frowns.

It was Cycle 48.

This was it. This was the Cycle when-

No.

It can't be Cycle 48, that was the last Cycle, when he was pushed under a car-

No, there was more deaths since then-

_-a whispered giggle at his throat, a sharp pain of teeth at his neck-_

That was Cycle 48.

_-“Yum yum.”-_

He remembers now.

_-screams when the blood leaves the wound and the tongue comes out and starts licking and sipping and drinking-_

Cycle 48 was the previous Cycle.

This Cycle was Cycle 49.

How unlucky.

_Tick._

This was it. This was the Cycle when everything ended.

_Tock._

(He begs that his is true to a God that doesn’t exist as he punches the mirror in his bathroom.)

 

* * *

 

He goes on about his life, in the best way that someone in this kind of position can go on about their life.

He goes to college, even though he now knows exactly what his professors are going to say. He walks around campus first by himself, then with Kaneki with an eyepatch because he’s much too afraid of losing control (the idiot, he doesn’t know how much control he has), and then by himself again when Kaneki begins to work more and more and hang out with ghouls despite denying that part of himself, still considering himself to be fully human, when he clearly wasn’t.

Idiot.

(Hide considered himself to be a bigger idiot anyway.)

He wants to believe that this Cycle is different from the others. He wants to believe that the weather has changed, even if only slightly, or that he never has the same conversation twice, or even the same injury, though, he’s largely given up on that one when he got the same papercut in every cycle, if he lived that long that was.

Or, maybe he got the papercut, or maybe he thought the got the papercut and actually didn’t, or maybe he forgot that he didn’t get a papercut at all but believed that he did because it has happened so many times before so why shouldn’t it happen again?

Wow, time loops were weird once you thought about them in more detail, once you got over the small little fact that every time you die you wake back up again in the same way as all the previous times.

He does mainly the same things for each loop too, but makes extra sure that there is something different about each one, whether it be something as small as never taking public transport in a Cycle or only ordering black coffee when he went out, much to Kaneki’s confusion and fear it later dawned on him, to something as big as never giving Kaneki his food (which he later learned was a bad thing as it caused his friend to have his suicidal existential crisis a lot later and in a different location, giving Hide the fear of his lives and making a silent pact with himself to never do it again).

Other than a few exceptions, nothing too dramatic changes. A girl smiles at him when they didn’t before, and he doesn’t bleed out in an alleyway because he was too friendly with a ghoul. He doesn’t forget to give Kaneki the notes for history and he doesn’t forget that never before has he met Touka in a way that makes her happy to see him. He forgets the joy of seeing something for the first time, or the wonder and excitement of learning something new, or the heartbreak that comes with bad news.

After all, nothing about this now is new.

So, when Kaneki disappears one day, seemingly out of the blue, he isn’t surprised. Upset, of course. Angry at Anteiku for not telling him the truth like every other time and pissed at the guy who took him in the first place, absolutely. But, surprised?

Only surprised that he lived that long, really.

 

* * *

 

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this.

He was out in 11th ward, straying further than he normally would, even with the risks of being killed by a ghoul that was as dangerous as the infamous Jason.

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, dressed in a dead man-a dead ghoul-’s clothing, and with no shoes but instead thick walking socks that he brought at last moment, dressed as if he could never eat human food and weak to look as if he ate their flesh instead. The loose change, along with the tracker that would act as the bug that he made himself, jingled and jumped in the only pocket that didn’t have a hole in and Hide couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose at the stench of piss and blood that he gave off, haven forgotten how bad the smell was all those Cycles before due to almost never living long enough to make it this far, before sighing slightly and trying his best to hide his smile and excitement.

This was pretty far along the small timeline in his head, wasn’t it?

(How did he go on from here, not knowing all of the possibilities that would happen next?)

(he should be fine, he survived the first time around.)

(He still died the first time around.)

(But, he didn’t die _here_.)

He puts his hand in his pockets, one hand fiddling with the loose threads caused by the holes in the thin fabric and the other silencing the jingle of the small objects in the pocket, and he tried to push back the dead ghoul’s face that the clothes originated from and the raising anxiety and desperation to _live_ and instead tried to focus more on the problem at hand, making sure his head was down to hide the fact that he was in fact inspecting everyone he was walking pass.

He quickly came across the café that he knows that the ghoul would be drinking coffee in, and he quietly enters the shop, and just before he passes the ghoul he ‘accidentally’ trips, and drops his change in front of him, and makes sure to suppress the smile that is fighting to come forward.

Bingo.

“Oh, sorry!” He mutters as he quickly crouches down and starts picking the coins up one by one, feeling the way that the ghoul’s stare burned into the back of his head. He did smile when he saw that one of the coins had rolled right to the foot of the ghoul, though he did wince slightly at the thought of having to be so close to the ghoul.

But, he’s done it before, and he’ll do it again.

This was it. This was the Cycle that ended everything.

“There’s one more by your foot.” Hide mutters quietly, and quickly slips the bug at the bottom of the shoe as he picks up the coin, nodding to the ghoul’s words of being careful, and he quickly leave the café, leaving the ghoul behind.

He did it.

He gets down the road towards the tube station, when he realises that he didn’t get anything at the café like last time, and wonders how that will affect everything, since he has a bad history of dying after he changes the timeline.

He should be fine.

He’s going to be fine.

(He doesn’t sleep well that night, nor the nights after.)

 

* * *

  

Almost a week later and awful nights later, he’s still living even though Kaneki is still missing and he’s still alive, so he couldn’t have done anything wrong with Jason, even if he didn’t stick to the timeline.

Maybe he’ll be alright.

He’ll be alright.

This was the Cycle that he gets to the Anteiku raid, after all, and makes sure that Kaneki survives.

(He doesn’t particularly care if he does or doesn’t at this point.)

(Kaneki was his life, after all.)

He’s currently at the college library, staring at a computer screen that reflected the sun’s rays into his eyes, since it’s been about five days since he’s left his flat out of absolute fear of dying and he doesn’t want to die this far into the Cycle, not when there was so much more work to do and he couldn’t do that, not to himself and not to Kaneki.

Never to Kaneki.

So, he was trying his best to catch up with all the coursework that he had been missing (not that his professors mind due to their amazement at all the ‘pre-reading’ that he’s apparently done as well as knowing that Kaneki, the light of his life, was missing), with a tab open that tracked the bug that was still on the bottom of the ghoul’s shoe, not that it should surprise him at this point.

It’s not the first time that he’s used this site after all, even outside of this particular event, back when he got bored more often and decided tracking criminals for the useless police force a fun pass time, which in retrospect, was until one guy noticed and chased him around 20th ward until he lost Hide in an alley.

Ah, the fun he used to have in those days.

Sighing, he clicked off of the open tab that held the location of the ghoul and instead went back to his work, reading over some of the online notes that someone who attended had put on the group chat for the class as he contemplated just dropping out of college all together and joining the CCG outright, seeing as that would be much more useful to his (and Kaneki’s) future than studying for the quiz that they were apparently having in a week (but, for the life of him, he couldn’t remember doing, and he wonders what other things changed that he has yet to notice this time).

It does take long for him to give up on the notes, have a quick peek at his phone, the college festival planners’ group chat had been going wild while he was ‘studying’, and it reminds him of that one time that he talked to Touka while putting posters up for the group, and he took down Kaneki’s because of the CCG case.

Well, he might as well and save the environment and not put the posters up in the first place.

He sighs as he turns his phone off and looks back at the screen, finding himself surprised to not see the sunlight glaring into his eyes via reflection anymore, before frowning slightly while packing up his paper, not that he made much of a dent on them in the first place, the idea of joining the CCG sounding nicer and nicer as the notes that he had just taken didn’t make sense as they should have.

He grumbles to himself as he packs his backpack and goes to leave the college library, putting it on as he comes up to a crossing that was empty and pressing the button. He rolls his shoulders at the weight of the bag, wondering how his notes are able to pull him down this much as he looks up at the road and feel his blood becoming ice as he made eye contact with the person standing at the other side of the crossing.

Jason.

The ghoul that he bugged not even a week ago.

The reason why his friend wasn’t here.

He turns around, and runs.

He runs.

And runs.

And runs.

It’s getting dark despite it only being early evening, which means that there are less people out, preferring to stay in nice and warm and safe and Hide can’t help but envy then at the moment, turning a corner into a smaller, less known street, hoping to use his knowledge of the ward to lose the ghoul. He keeps sprinting, running across an empty road, and though it seems like he had achieved his goal when he looks behind, he can't help but keep running in fear that he’s just around the corner, just behind him to not be seen but close enough to catch up.

And, well, you know what they say about looking behind and missing what is in front of you.

He looks forward and manages to come to a skidding hold almost immediately, his breath short from the running and the fear of having the ghoul right on front of him, holding a metal weapon that he thinks is weird for a ghoul to have, for what use did pliers have in a ghoul’s day to day life?

“Y’know, you smell rather sweet for a human.” He says in the creepiest voice in the world and Hide can’t help but hold his breath at the suggestion of being eaten. “I’ve never known a human outside of the CCG brave enough to tag a ghoul like that.” The ghoul smiles, sending a shiver down Hide’s spine, before taking a step forward towards the human.

Hide takes a step backwards in fear, and then there’s car horns blaring, and then there’s darkness.

 

* * *

  

(LIII)

When Hide wakes up, he sits up too, coughing and chokes on the blood that was in his-

Oh.

That wasn’t real.

(But it had been.)

He sighs, and softly touches his neck, carefully going over where Kaneki once bit Cycles ago, or when he was accidentally pushed over the stairs, causing glass to go into his neck, or when Touka got too suspicious and decided to nip it at the bud to make sure nothing flowers or any other thing that could have possibly happened to him in the last 53 deaths.

_Tick._

Cycle 53, huh.

_Tock._

This far already?

_Tick._

Well, this was it. This was the Cycle when everything ended.

_Tock._

(He spends far too long talking to a God that doesn’t exist as he cries and sobs in the shower about how it should have happened Cycles ago before leaving the building to go to college.)

 

* * *

  

(He should probably stop cycling to college on the first day of waking up in a new Cycle, because he was getting the impression that cycling with your mind busy on other things like previous deaths or a boy with pretty, grey eyes and black hair would only and always end with being hit by same car.)

(You’d think that he’d know better by now, it was the fifth time he’s done this.)

(Maybe he should stop everything instead?)

 

* * *

 

(???)

When Hide wakes up, he stares at the ceiling, and counts.

It was Cycle 59, and the cracks were still in the plaster, and the paint was still peeling, and the mold was still there, and he was _still here._

Was this it?

Was this going to be the Cycle when it ended?

Was this Cycle 59?

He’s breath caught in his throat, and he look across the room at the ticking clock.

_Tick._

He could have sworn that the last Cycle was the one where he was killed by a clown masked ghoul and an awful cackle for a laugh-and had that been Cycle 56, or was it Cycle 57?

_Tock._

He was running out of time, he was _outoutoutou_ -

_Tick._

Was he though? He always ended that up here anyway.

_Tock._

It took some time (he had all the time), but Hide came to the point that maybe the Cycle number didn’t mean anything.

_Tick._

This was it. This was the Cycle when everything ended.

_Tock._

For better or for worse.

_Tick._

(He asks a God if this was the best thing to do as he shuts his door without looking back.)

 

* * *

  

“Nagachika, I really don’t like having my territory violated. Can't you knock? Where is your respect for your elders?” Hide tried to hide his nervous swallowing by rubbing the back of his head, hiding the way that a sickening feeling of déjà vu that slips and slides down his throat and settles uncomfortably in his stomach with a heavy weight, making him feel like vomiting all over the elder’s floor.

That would go down great.

“I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to-”

“You say you’re sorry, but you’re speaking too loud and clear for that.” Hide laughed slightly at the reply, though, at the same time, he could feel stomach acid raising to his throat and he wonders how many times he’s going to live out this scene in front of him, and how many times he’s going to die here.

Too many.

Then, Kaneki trips backwards in the most dramatic way just like before as he came to the terrible realisation that Nishio is a ghoul, like he did in every Cycle that he lived long enough to get to. Hide tries to ignore it, he really does try, but it’s happened so many times that he wonders if he should just not come at all to not risk any potential deaths, or at least stop the feeling of flushed skin and cold insides and the taste of sour stomach acid in the back of his throat.

- _kick to the ribs-_

He doesn’t want to die.

_-flying into a pile of broken planks of wood-_

_-“Hide!”-_

_-a warm, lumpy and foul-smelling liquid splattered across his face-_

He can’t die now.

_“Hide, snap out of it!”_

Please, he’s too scared to die now.

_-a kick that knocks a dent in his-_

“Nagachika!”

Hide jumps back in surprise, tripping over the mess that they’ve made trying to find that stupid DVD, landing on his ass while he tries his hardest to take a deep breath, to calm down, to convince himself that he isn’t going to die. There’s some muttering, talking, bickering, arguing, in the background he thinks, something of concern maybe, but he can’t focus on it, not when he can’t breathe properly, making him feel light headed and he might be fainting at this rate if he can’t get a hold of himself.

God, what if he dies because he’s not breathing then he’s back to square one where he wakes up staring at the ceiling again and he doesn’t know how many more times he can look up at that stupid ceiling, so he holds his breath and then breaths out slowly in hopes of trying to calm down, trying to get oxygen to his brain, but then the thought of dying comes back into his mind and he can't breath again and oh god he was going to die again and again and again…

Time moves too fast, or it moves too slow, and he doesn’t know how long he’s there on the floor breathing or not breathing, until someone gets too close and he scrabbles back from the threat until he couldn’t scramble back anymore, and he can hear them talking quietly to him but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what they were supposed to be saying, and they grab a hand, softly rubbing their thumb on the back of it and he can't help but let out a confused sigh at the feeling, focusing on the way that it manages to calm his thoughts and soul, to give him an anchor in the mess of his thoughts and a tie to the physical world, making him forget about the past and future for a moment and focus on the present.

The present, where Kaneki was talking soothing words into his ears and he was having to take long deep breaths and Nishio stood in the background looking lost and very much out of his element despite the fact that he lived there.

Where was he?

He was in Nishio’s apartment.

He’s never died in the building before, he’s safe, for now.

He wasn’t going to die. Not yet.

He was going to be fine.

He was going to make it to the end of the Cycle.

He looks up at his best friend’s face, and he’s only reminded of the reason why he’s okay with everything he’s done so far, and he suddenly feels light, lighter than he’s been in months, lighter than he’s been in years, and he’s able to smile, even when the thought of not being able to smile like this in months, years, pass through his mind.

He’s missed this.

He missed Kaneki.

He missed him _so much._

He wants his best friend back, that’s all he wants now. He doesn’t care if it’s not truly what he wants, but he’s got the point where he doesn’t care and just wants him back.

But, that is far too much to ask for, isn’t it?

“What the hell was that?” Hide looked up at Nishio, his hand still in Kaneki own. He opens his mouth, but no words come out, and he wonders what someone is supposed to say in the situation. ‘Sorry, I had a flashback to that time in your future when you kill me, or almost kill me, who knows at this point!’ doesn’t really work and sound all that pleasant, but just shrugging it off as a one off will cause an interrogation from a concerned Kaneki, and he can't have that either because he’s good at changing the subject but not lying directly to his best friend’s face.

Ugh.

He had really messed this up, hadn’t he?

“It’s a panic attack, nothing to be particularly worried about.” Kaneki says as he lets go of Hide’s hand (he tries not to let out a wine of the loss), and smiles and bows to Nishio. “I am sorry about the mess and inconvenience we have caused you Nishio-sempai, but we have invaded on your hospitality for long enough, so we will be going now. Thank you for having us.” He says as he turns around to help Hide up and to walk him out of the apartment.

He doesn’t remember much of the journey back to his own apartment, only the feeling of warmth and acceptance from his best friend and the small words of encouragement that filled his ear as he struggled to do what is considered normal but succeeded despite that.

Nothing can describe the happiness that comes to his heart with Kaneki being there for him in his life.

 

* * *

  

When Hide wakes up, he stares at the ceiling, and counts.

There are less cracks in the plaster this time, only a single small one that was barely noticeable unless you looked at it in a certain angle and then squinted, and there was no mold to speak of here, leaving a nice white ceiling-

He wasn’t in his room.

Sitting up quickly, Hide took a quick look around the room while a hand went up to his neck, a weird habit for anyone who didn’t know what situation he had been in, which meant everyone would find this weird, and instantly relaxed as he recognised the sun-bleached cream of the walls and the massive pile of coursework that overflowed the coffee table and the rough and worn fabric of the sofa under his hand and the look of confusion on Kaneki’s face as he looked up from taking notes from his book on the armchair that was considerably newer than the couch that Hide was laying on.

“You’re up.” He said, though the way that it was said made it sound like a question, which made Hide wonder if there was some doubt in him that he wouldn’t wake up at all.

Why would he think that? He only had a panic attack, and not the first one, he wasn’t going to die. Not yet anyway.

No, because he was going to make it to the end of the Cycle this time.

“Yeah, I guess?” He smiles back at his best friend, using the fact that his hand his around the back of his neck to feel the soft and smooth skin that laid there, and he wondered if there was ever going to be a Cycle where there was not going to be the unblemished skin he finds there now but a huge and ugly scar that is almost impossible to hide. Kaneki smiles back, his eyepatch rising with the movements and in that moment, Hide wishes he could see both eyes, even if one of them could turn into a ghoul’s at any given moment.

He wants to be able to see all of Kaneki, even the part that is considered ‘ugly’ and ‘monstrous’.

He sometimes wonders why he feels like this, and what to call it.

(He knows what this is, and is too much of a coward to name it.)

“That’s good. Feeling any better than earlier?” his best friend asks, looking back down at his notes, seemingly doing his work but at the same time there’s a look in his eye and tremor in his hand, and it’s at these points with Kaneki that Hide wishes he’s had been granted the ability to read minds instead of die without dying, but at the same time, it reminds him why he approached the weird seven year old boy who sat in the corner and always read a book instead of playing with the other kids.

It was nice, not being able to properly read someone and being surprised by some of the actions they took.

“Yep, I’m fine now that we not at-” He stops dead in the middle of his words and frowns over what to say while Kaneki looks up in confusion, his face blank while his single visible eye held a stormy grey confusion laced with the raindrops of panic and a wind’s gush of concern. He opens his mouth again to settle Kaneki’s anxiety, to calm his best friend’s mind and to make sure he didn’t become a worry of the future, but instead of words air comes out and he’s left gaping until he closes his mouth again and merely shakes his head, looking away from Kaneki before the puppy dog eyes kill him and makes him spill everything that he’s hidden from him for so long.

“What are you hiding from me, Hide?” Hide turns to look at his best friend and frowns disapprovingly at him, something that he knows will shock him. Hide never shows this side of him, never to Kaneki, never to his best friend.

“I’m not the only one hiding something, am I Kaneki?” He mocks as he picks up his coursework and starts writing, using it as an excuse to not look at his best friend.

They spend the rest of the time in an awkward and unnatural silence that neither of them want to break, until it apparently gets late and Kaneki says he has to go home and eat, even though he gently let Hide down with the offer of food by saying that he had leftovers that he needed to eat anyway.

(Leftovers of a dead human.)

Instead, Hide just has to smile and walk Kaneki to his front door, and just before Kaneki leaves, he stops in his steps but doesn’t turn around to Hide.

“When did everything change?”

Kaneki didn’t stay long enough for Hide to answer, he never did.

(His best friend might say that everything changed the day that he went on a date with a ghoul, but Hide’s world changed long before then, when his feeling became something as disgusting what it was now.)

(No one should feel like this towards their best friend.)

 

* * *

 

With that, everything changes.

It was a slow and gradual change. Kaneki gets the job at Anteiku again, but clearly for different reasons than before. This takes up a lot of his time, just like it did last time, but this time, he uses his job as an excuse to not hang out with him, saying that he either had to cover someone’s shift for make a supply run or some other nonsense excuse to not spend too much time with Hide.

Hide gets the reasoning, he thinks. He told Kaneki to his face that he knew that he was hiding something, that alone would make someone weary of them, and Hide knew how hard Kaneki was working to make sure that he kept the fact that he was a half ghoul under wraps.

So, he pretends that the panic attack and the short conversation afterwards never happened. Kaneki pretends too, but everything isn’t okay anymore. Kaneki’s distant, straying away from his only human friend and gaining more and more ghoul ones, to the point that Hide wondered that, if Kaneki had been born a ghoul, would he have been that small and meek seven-year-old that he found in the corner of a classroom that sunny lunchtime?

Still, the point was that everything is fine and dandy up until the point where he gets kidnapped again.

But, instead of looking for Jason this Cycle around, Hide waits until it’s time to give in the anonymous tip, and after the raid is done, he applies for the small part time job that they have going.

Not too long after that, he’s smoothing down his hair and smiling and checking out for any bits of dirt on his face because it’s his first job interview in literal _years_ and he does not want to fuck this up.

He can do this, his acting skills are amazing at this point, he can pretend to be confident even if he didn’t feel it right now.

He’s done this before, there was nothing stopping him from doing this again.

(It only took him fifty deaths to get this far again...)

He sighs, and tries to smile, but it hurts to look at in the mirror due to how fake it looks, so he quickly gives up and focuses on something else that doesn’t bring his mood down, because he hasn’t come this far only to give up now. Leaving the bathroom, he pays his bedroom no mind as he walks through and picks up his hat and leave the room, ignoring the calendar that marks off the sixth month that he’s been here, but instead takes it as the second month in which he hasn’t seen Kaneki, only having the knowledge that he’s out there, somewhere.

If all goes well, he could be dropping out of college in about a month.

If all goes well, he could be seeing Kaneki again.

If all goes well, he would only die, and not wake up, and not have to relive this all again.

He steps out of the apartment lighter than he’s felt in months, maybe years at this point. He manages to wave to the old lady coming up the stairs and to not feel just obligated to hold the door open for the parent of two when leaving the building, and he wonders if this is what it’s like to be happy.

He misses this, being happy.

(Not as much as he misses his best friend though.)

(He would give up so much more than his happiness if it guaranteed Kaneki’s own.)

(He almost takes his bike to the CCG, but thinks differently and walks instead. He’s glad he did so when he makes it there alive and on time.)

 

* * *

 

He has a love hate relationship with the way that time seems to fly while he works for the CCG.

At one point, he’s taking the interview with a bored paper pusher, and he explains why he wants the join, how he knows that he’s only a runner boy and won’t be seeing any action (not yet at least) and how he’s only really looking for some part time work that could count as experience for his college credits (or until he could drop out, he’s never getting that diploma at this rate).

The next, he’s having a meal with Amon and he stops halfway through his bite and wonders what time it is, what the day and the date is, where in 20th ward they’re currently eating.

“Are you okay?” Hide looks up to see his companion, dropping his utensil into the bowl, sad eyes taking in the worried look in Amon’s etched face, and Hide wonders how on earth this look was so similar to the one that Kaneki wore the day that Hide had a panic attack, and wonders why everyone was so worried about him when everything was clearly fine. He’s never lived this long, he’s never felt so free and relaxed and confident.

He’s never been better, in fact.

(And if the fact that he couldn’t seem to smile to himself or go down certain streets without panicking or even being in his bed sometimes made himself so sick and shaky that he had to sleep on his sofa despite the fact that the broken springs would cause knots in his back that not even a shower could fix, well, he wasn’t telling that to anyone.)

“Hmm, I’m fine,” he replied, looking down and mixing his noodles, his mouth suddenly dry and his stomach churning, and he couldn’t stop his leg bouncing underneath the table. He could feel the pitying look from someone that one time he might have called his friend but now realises that just because he could read him easily doesn’t mean that he properly knew him.

The CCG investigator frowns at his apathetic words. “Hey, I know will writing is hard, but if you need any help-”

“I don’t need one.”

“I know that people in your position are rarely in harm’s way-” Amon tries to explain, but is interrupted by Hide standing up and growling.

“I do not need one because I am not going to die. Not this time.” He puts his hand in his pocket and brings out money that could easily cover both meals and walks off.

He doesn’t realise what he said until he was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and counting the cracks that laid above him, and he mindless thinks about filling them in before he died.

He lied to Amon; he was going to die. He was going to die one of the most horrible deaths that any human could have.

But, the worst thing was, he wanted it.

 

* * *

  

Hide wondered how scared he was in the original Cycle as he watches Amon and Kaneki fight on the screen, going so fast that the camera could pick up every action.

Frowning at the screen, he leans forward, entrapped by the fight, and he wondered what the outcome of the fight was for Amon, as he knew that Kaneki would live to make it to the sewers at least to go and find the CCG’s Reaper. Amon’s fate, however, was unknown to Hide, and he felt like he should know, he’s been through this before, he should know what will happen next.

But, at the same time, it’s been the equivalent of _years_ since he’s been here, in this position.

So, instead, he watched as back up came for Amon, and Kaneki activated his kakuja, and sighed as Marude carried on giving on orders to his men, before sighing and wondering what time exactly he was supposed to leave to make sure Kaneki got to live, even if never told Hide anything or trusted him enough with the information that he was a ghoul.

Kaneki was Hide’s best friend, and he hoped that Kaneki considered him to be his best friend, and best friends help each other in times of trouble and Kaneki was in trouble and he needed help.

It’s when Amon loses an arm, and Kaneki suddenly gets a hole in his side, that he starts to shake and feels sick and leaves Marude’s side and runs out of the truck and ignores his superior’s shouts as he runs into the rain and dodges the people guarding the barricades and going down an alleyway, jumping over upturned trash and dead bodies as he ran and ran and ran and tried to think of whereabouts he met Kaneki in the first Cycle.

He couldn’t remember.

He knew it was in the sewers, but he couldn’t remember.

He nearly screams in frustration as he takes another turn and comes to the main road, only to take a step back as a ghoul kills an investigator and turns to look at him.

No.

Not now, of all times.

Not here.

Turning, he runs again back but he falls forward when a huge weight hits his back and he does scream this time and he feels teeth enter the back of his neck and-

And nothing.

 

* * *

 

(---)

When Hide wakes up, he sits up and feels the soft skin of his neck and feels the tears stream down his face and the anger and sadness of so many months leave him as an empty shell.

He didn’t die this time.

_He broke._


	4. Depression

* * *

 

_To spare oneself from grief at all costs can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness._

_-Erich Fromm_

 

* * *

 

(---)

When Hide wakes up, he doesn’t know what to do.

Does he count the things in his room to keep him grounded on the situation at hand?

Does he wonder what the plan was now, wonder how to move on after this?

Does he move, or sigh, or lie or _do anything_?

No.

He doesn’t do any of those things.

He seems to have all the time to do whatever he wants.

What a sad existence to live.

So, instead of wondering or counting or moving or sighing or lying to himself, he lets a blanket of depression settle over his mind he stares mindlessly at the ceiling above him and he floats and floats and floats in a mind space that can't feel the pains of hunger setting in nor the desert forming in his mouth.

Instead of wondering or counting or moving or sighing or lying to himself, he does nothing.

Because he seems to have all the time to do whatever he wants.

Instead, he fails.

That was something he was used to, at least.

It is all he ever seems to do, after all.

 

* * *

 

(---)

When Hide wakes up (does he wake up, or has he simply just blinked? Did he die or fall asleep?), the blanket is already there, as if waiting for him to snuggle into, know how bad his day had already been.

But this time (or after a while if he did not sleep or die in the first place), the blanket floats up, up, and away from his mind, leaving him abandoned in the small crooked bed that the landlord gave him when he moved in, leaving him to blankly stare at the ceiling, and to gather his wondered thoughts.

He should get up.

He should get up.

He should get up.

He should get up.

He shoul…

It takes a while of him repeating the 4-word phrase, a few minutes, a few hours, or maybe even a few Cycles, before Hide found the motivation to crawl out of his bed, standing on his feet for the first time in probably forever.

It doesn’t matter.

Nothing matters, not to him anyway.

It doesn’t matter.

Nothing matters.

None of it matter anymore.

He walks, or stumbles or limps, towards the bathroom, maybe having the intention of cleaning himself up at one point of the journey, but by the time he there and he’s standing over the sink leaning on the porcelain bowl and staring into the wondering who that guy was with the dark eyes, greasy hair and a tear streaked face, he’s forgotten why he’s here.

Why was he here?

Why was he here again?

Why was he still here?

Why couldn’t he die like a normal person?

Why was he here?

Why couldn’t he just be like everyone else?!

Be normal, survive college and then get married to a woman, have 2.4 kids, and just die a normal fucking death like everyone else! But, oh no, he had to be that _one_ person that didn’t get the generic lifestyle, that _one_ person whose best friend turns into a ghoul and inevitably joins a ghoul gang, that _one_ person who finds himself in the middle of a ghoul vs human war that he can do nothing to help or to stop, that _one_ person who _keeps dying all the time!!!!_

As his hand turns into a fist and impales the mirror, he can't help but vaguely wonder if this was Heaven’s plan all along, to make him feel a pain that no one else can feel.

He can't help but empathise with Kaneki now, now that he truly knew what it felt to be alone.

The broken glass is sparkling under the light, and he couldn’t help but pick a piece up, holding it such a way that, if not for the blood speckles that framed the fragment, the light would be reflecting straight out of the material in a magical way.

Maybe, if heaven was not so forgiving of his past mistakes, then hell may be a better option for him now.

He wonders, for the first time since waking up again after his first death in the dark and grimy sewers, if someone will find his body in the growing puddle of blood any time soon, or if the landlord really doesn’t care for the property that much at all that they’ll find a pile of bones instead.

 

* * *

 

(---)

When Hide wakes up, he is granted the gift of a blank mind for a minute, two minutes, before a searing pain in his wrist makes him sit up and look at it, though not surprised to find no blemishing or bruising of any kind on it.

It’s been a while since he’s tried that way of killing himself, personally finding it much easier and peaceful to fling yourself off a bridge or a building than it was to make sure that the self-inflicted cut is deep and in the right place to give the wanted outcome of bleeding out.

He sighs as he absently scratches it, getting out of bed and getting ready for the day, though already knowing that college isn’t an option today but rather some sightseeing around the ward, maybe say hi to some ghouls, tell someone something that he’s been wanting to say for a while, that sort of thing.

Since he had a death wish and all, might as well do some things on that bucket list for this Cycle, only to at least take his mind off some things, like the blood that was trickling down his wrist to his fingertips, staining tip of the long sleeve top that Hide had haphazardly put on.

 

* * *

 

For some reason, he had yet to find any motivation to kill himself yet in this Cycle, though the sightseeing did go better than he planned, even if he didn’t take out some of the pent-up energy on the local ghoul population.

Not that he was complaining though. It was nice to be able to think about things other than your own mortality, or immortality at this point. Like, for example, the fact that there are people outside of Kaneki that wanted to hang out with him.

It was weird, to think about how innocent these humans, and the odd, random ghoul, were in consideration to everything. He would be laughing at something that they said, a joke on the government’s behalf for example, and then a voice in the back of his mind would comment about how little they knew, about how ignorant they were, about how easy it would be to laugh along with their joke in one Cycle and to kill them and jump on their corpse in another. No repercussions, as the worst that could happen would be waking up again on the same bed in the same room of the same flat, leaving him to wonder if maybe, he should do it again, if only for the laughs.

His name is called, he is startled, but laughs anyway and changes whatever subject they were on for another, his mind burying the idea deep and deep and deep into his mind.

You’re a horrible person for thinking that.

Why would you think that?

You should not be thinking like that.

There’s only one person you’re allowed to kill-

He shuts that thought off, and goes back to living.

He wants to keep living.

For now.

He follows the group of his (not really) friends (Kaneki is still in hospital, surrounded by hot nurses and drugs and creepy doctors and sharp objects) to the campus, abet digging his slightly long brittle nails into the palms of his hands and only slightly gaining a rush from the way that the skin protests as it breaks and a small trickle of blood begin to slowly fill his closed fists as his phone vibrates in his pocket making him smile because his best friend has finally replied to his texts, meaning that he would be able to see him again before he disappeared again.

Is it truly living if it was just a repeat of what he’s done before?

 

* * *

 

He gets the food for Kaneki, just like he should do in every Cycle, if only to lower Kaneki’s pain rather than his own at this point.

(He really doesn’t realise how much he sacrifices for his best friend (and never anything more, no matter how hard he hopes), until something like this comes around again and he gets out of bed again despite everything just. For. Him.)

(And only ever him.)

He goes through the supermarket and gets the food, and if it’s the cheapest and probably not the nicest tasting food, he doesn’t ponder on it for long. It’s going to have its uses, even if those uses were not being digested by a human for their energy but rather to act as a catalyst for his best friend’s (and never nothing more) discovery of his updated species status and a slight suicidal episode, something he wishes didn’t have to happen but knows not to put off.

But, still, he can't help but feel as if he’s doing something wrong, as if he’s missed something as he slowly makes his way up towards Kaneki’s apartment, and slowly coming to a stop at a non-discrete door, brown in colour like most others, with a small amount of scratches that Hide didn’t remember were there and a small number 4 located just over the letter box.

(He remembers, all those years and Cycles ago, when ghouls didn’t matter and neither did the feelings, telling Kaneki that this couldn’t possibly work out well for him, that this was a bad number to live at. Kaneki only smiled at him and told him to not worry about it, saying that superstitions like the ones he used to believe in weren’t real, and Hide had only laughed at Kaneki’s words, ever eloquent as they were now, and helped his best friend in every Cycle to move into the house that was seemingly perfect for him.)

(Well, there was only one thing he could say to all of this now.)

(Who was laughing now, Kaneki?)

He knocks on the door, and isn’t surprised at the lack of answer, because that has happened almost every time he’s done this. So, like every time before, he places the carrier bag onto the hand of the door, and stands there dumbfound as he watches the handle fall down with the bag’s weight and open slightly, a small amount of light coming out of the apartment while the plastic bag crashes to the floor, spilling its contents everywhere, and Hide gets the slight relief knowing that none of it had been spilt over the floor.

(That didn’t happen last time…)

Typical of Kaneki, forgetting to lock the door behind him. Probably too busy with his nose in his book or worrying about Rize’s family and their reaction to her death and to the organ transplant to notice the fact that his door has been left wide open.

(Did it happen last time? He couldn’t remember...)

Hide picks up the food, placing it all back into the carrier bag it had previously been in, the door opening more as he nudges it to pick up the large tub of instant coffee that he brought at last minute, just before he was about to queue up at the cash register to pay for these items. He doesn’t always get it, mostly forgetting that it is the only thing that ghouls can drink, but sometimes he remembers, and sometimes he feels a lot better about himself knowing that Kaneki has that there for him when he recovers slightly from the meltdown, when he comes back to his senses and wants nothing more than to curl up in his bed and fall asleep-

Was that Kaneki he was describing, or himself?

With the bag in hand, he wonders what to do next. Does he put the bag on the door and leave, like many times before, or does he sit out here and wait for his friend to come back, because he knows that the door is open, and he can't help but worry that someone will come in and take Kaneki’s stuff (even though he’s a college student who’s just had an operations meaning that he really doesn’t have anything worth stealing but that isn’t the point)? And, if he does stay, does he wait out here, knowing that the door is open and thus looking a bit like a weirdo, or does he go in and surprise his best friend when he comes in hungry but not sure why he can't eat food and do a repeat of a cycle previous and die as food again?

Well, he looks at the grimy floor, covered in mud and rust and god knows what else, and thinks that dying via a ghoul’s meal is hardly the worst reason to die, especially if Kaneki was said ghoul, and that is the worst that could possibly happen to him-dying that is-because he doubted that Kaneki would have the guts to raise his voice at him.

(No wonder why he fell for him, if he was the only one not brave enough to tell him to fuck off and stop being so annoying.)

So he picks the bag up and walks through the door, making extra sure to close it behind him, and gently placed the food on the counter, leaving him standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, wondering what to do with himself, his phone lying uselessly in his pocket, dead, not that there would be much to do on it other than look at memes that he had seem come and go so many times that it wasn’t even funny or nostalgic to look at anymore.

Just emptiness, one that goes on forever and forever and ever and ever…

He forgets how close he is sometimes, and that is the most terrifying thing about this all.

He begins to clean up the apartment, if only to clear his own head rather than the apartment itself.

Kaneki’s apartment is already above a college student standard of clean, meaning that the clothes have been put away and the washing up had been done, but he didn’t seem to have the time to properly clean the fridge out of the mouldy food that had probably been in there since before the unlucky date and put away his medication from when he picked up a new box as soon as he left the hospital. Hide also knows that he never picks up the new box either, because the pharmacy will be calling him in a couple of months asking him where his best friend is and he’ll have to say he doesn’t know and that he's gone missing again and he hates when it gets to that point because the loneliness truly kicks in at that point and-

He inspects the packet closer, turning the box over in his hands and reading the back, frowning slightly at the seemingly high dosage of this particular brand. They were pretty high, not that he would know a lot about it in the first place, since he had forgotten all the research on them in the Original Cycle, his mind filled with probably more important things than the side effects to drugs that never seem to bother his best friend anyway.

Well, a high dosage makes sense anyway, if the doctor already knew that Rize was a ghoul, and thus knew that there was a higher chance of rejection, which would explain the higher dosage, even at the higher chance of very, very dangerous side effects.

Such dangerous things, these little pills.

So dangerous, in fact, that he didn’t think that it would take too many before they would kick in, leaving just enough for Kaneki to have until he didn’t need to take them anymore…

He picks a packet up and silently pockets them, then finishes up with cleaning the fridge and then putting all the food away even though he knows what is going to happen to it, and smiles when a surprised Kaneki walks in through the door, and waves as he walks away from his best friend even though he knows what will happen next if he walks away or not. Throughout the whole exchange, the packet of drugs weighs heavy in his pocket and burns and burns and burns.

(He leaves. What sort of friend was he to leave and know that.)

(He shouldn’t have done that.)

 

* * *

  

(When he gets home, he leaves the pills out on the counter and stares and stares and stares.)

(Next, Kaneki texts him. He texts back. He smiles. Everything is back to normal.)

(Later, when his ass gets handed to by Nishio and Touka finds it inside herself to not kill him, he looks back at these pills and counts and counts and counts.)

(Kaneki asked if he was okay today while at work. He smiled and scratched his cheek bone and said he was fine. He lied. There a new scar on his thigh that will disappear when he wakes and up and stares at the ceiling again.)

(After, while he wonders over trying to keep his friendship with Kaneki alive, he sits down, and pops them out, playing with them slightly before putting them in an empty box, one by one by one.)

(At one point, Kaneki asks if Hide’s seen the missing pills from the box. He says no while sorting an itch out on his cheek. He lied. He looked at them again that evening.)

(Early December roles around, and Kaneki disappears, and Hide take each pill one by one by one until the bottle is empty and he is crying, and he is empty like the bottle that is smashed on the floor by accident, swallowing the last of the bitter, bitter black coffee.)

(It takes far too long for them to kick in, for them to take over, for them to kill him.)

 

* * *

 

(---)

When Hide wakes up, he looks at the ceiling, and hates himself for falling to the weakness, for sinking to that level, for even thinking it of it in the first place.

He hates the fact that he did that, he despises the actions that he took at the heartbreak he must have caused.

He not only stole from his best friend, not only used said stolen items to kill himself like the pathetic worm that he was, but he made his best friend, the person who he loves from the bottom of his rotten heart, watch the life slowly drain out of him while he could only stand there, as Hide had made sure there was nothing that he could do to undo the damage that he’s already done.

(Mental note: Don’t take the drugs while cleaning the apartment.)

(Kaneki doesn’t deserve what Hide puts him through.)

(He reaches out for the blanket that has protected him Cycles ago, and is disappointed when he realises that its not there anymore. As if he doesn’t need it anymore.)

(He needs it too much.)

He gets out of bed.

He doesn’t deserve Kaneki.

He goes to the bathroom, washes his face and his teeth, and manages to miss his reflection by a miniscule as he walks back out again, leaving him to face his messy room, filled with papers that he’s long forgotten to care about and pictures of times pass when things like this never happened any liking Kaneki was small and innocent.

He doesn’t deserve to have Kaneki in the way that he does.

He gets changed, and calmly goes through the rest of the day, as in a blur.

The blanket never appears.

This Cycle is going to be a good Cycle.

He hates them the most.

Because it means that he blinks, and he goes from walking down the street (careful to not take the turning because god forbid that he died this early on again, to laughing with Kaneki over some poorly timed joke in Anteiku even though everything has changed, from the confident posture Kaneki holds to the crescent like scars that always seem to appear in his hands even though he never remembers breaking the skin).

Everything changes in a blink, and he doesn’t remember how he gets there. But it doesn’t matter, nothing really changes between each time like skip.

(Well, at least he tries not to think about what these skips truly show on his mental health, and the mystery of the missing mind blanket, and tries not to wonder about missing something important that could affect the way that the timeline changes (he hates those changes) and instead tries to focus more on the lies that he keeps feeding his friend and making sure they’re straight and stringy.)

 

* * *

  

Everything changes in a blink again, and he doesn’t remember how he gets there. But it doesn’t matter, nothing really changes between each time like skip.

He last remembers walking home alone from Anteiku, because Kaneki needed to help Touka (who is at that point where she’s okay with him, something that he never really figured out) close the café, and then a ghoul walked in (though, if asked, he would never say it was a ghoul) so he smiled and waved and confirmed that he wouldn’t wait up for Kaneki.

No need to drag him into the human world when he obviously doesn’t want to be there anymore.

The point was, he blinked on the way going home, and now here he was, instead of walking around 20th ward, it was 11th ward. Instead of his normal attire, he’s wearing the clothes of a dead ghoul and a single pocket is filled with change and a tracker, and the time between then and now blur and he wonders what he’s done, and wonders if any of it is different from the Original Cycle as his bare feet slowly take him along the tarmac, careful to avoid sharp objects like needles and shards of glass from entering the soft and unprotected skin.

He doesn’t know why he was doing this, and he doesn’t want to do this again. He doesn’t want to be able to smell the stench of piss and blood that he gave off thanks to the clothes again, or listen to the jingle from the pocket again, or relieve the pain and torment that he went through the first time of being played with before eaten after being found out again.

He doesn’t need to be here, he knows because he’s done it before, and he could have just given the CCG the information about the hideout without having to do all the effort of doing this and pretend that he did this in this Cycle when later asked about it.

And, yet, here he was.

Last time he did this he died.

(Though, did it really matter if he died if he’ll just wake up again.)

He sighs and keeps his head down as he walks, not caring if people took a bit more notice of him than wanted, because at this point he was being stupid and an idiot and he shouldn’t be here. Instead, he puts his hands into the pocket and holds the change and the bug, limiting the sound that they made as he quietly but quickly walks towards his destination.

It takes him perhaps longer than it should to realise that he was walking around in circles, and only because he managed to cut his foot on the same piece of glass three times, and he looks up and sighs because he’s lost in the middle of the most dangerous ward in Tokyo.

But, it's okay really, because worst comes to worst and he dies, and he wakes up again and does it all again.

He keeps walking, now with a small limp to make sure that dirt doesn’t get into the open wound, and this time he decides to make a turn that he’s pretty sure that he hasn’t taken, and he smiles when he comes out on a familiar road and he limps down the road and now he can see the café that he knows that Jason is in, and he stops and wonders what to do next.

He could go home, clean his foot, and wait a week before calling the CCG like many times before.

But, he was already here, dressed in a dead ghoul’s clothes, with enough change for a black coffee and a small bug that he can’t quite remember how he came into possession of, and he think that he might as well get the coffee that he came here for a forgot sometimes (ending with disaster) and leave and go home and try and figure out what exactly had he done in the last month or so that he’s forgotten.

Anyway, what was the worst that could happen?

He quietly slips into the shop, walking straight pass the ghoul and pretending to give him no mind as he walks to the counter and asks for a black coffee to go, and walks out again with the bitter coffee in hand, wincing as his foot takes his weight and the wound loses even more blood.

He walks back out of the cafe again, trying not to spare more than a half second glance at the ghoul that’s already killed him once before as he limps out of the door, feeling the small trickle of blood drip onto to the floor below, and he’s glad for the hot coffee in his hands as he begins to feel the winter air beginning to nip at his skin in a way that he hasn’t felt for a long time.

“You know, for a ghoul, your blood smells deliciously like a human’s.” Hide turns around fast, using the coffee as a barrier between the ghoul and himself, his eyes widening as the scalding liquid hit Jason square in the face, causing him to jump back in surprise rather than in pain, then letting a wicked smile fill his face, filling Hide with a sense of dread and fear.

He was going to die, and it wasn’t even his fault this time.

“You know, I would usually kill someone like you. However, I have something that will be more… amusing…” The ghoul trails off, seemingly lost in thought, before his kagune quickly erupts from his back and hits Hide in the chest, thrusting him back towards the wall, causing his head to smash against the bricks and for his vision to go black.

 

* * *

 

When Hide wakes up, he’s not looking up at a ceiling like normal but rather at a black and white floor underneath his cheek, and he winces when he realises that he’s dribbled and maybe even puked at one point because there’s something on his chin and it’s dried and it’s awful.

Then, the pain kicks in.

It’s embarrassing to say that, even after everything, he has a low pain tolerance, so the pounding head and dizziness and the probably crushed ribs that were digging into his organs in all the wrong ways and his crushed ankle only showed that he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. There’s a conversation going one, but it seems muffled for some reason, as if they couldn’t talk louder than the blood rushing in his head and his heart beating through the broken ribs. He closes his eyes, just to get the weird floor out of his mind and to at least try and get his bearings.

There’s still talking in the background, but Hide doesn’t try and take notes of what is being said, or screamed maybe, and instead focuses on the breathing and letting the blanket that he lost come over his mind, let it take over and, maybe when he wakes back up his bed sometime in the past, he can work on his mental state then, when it’s safe and sound to do so, at least, that was the plan, but then there was sudden pain in his stomach, a kick his brain reminds him, and he screams, his eyes open and widen in shock and pain as he looks up at a masked man holding pliers with ghoul eyes and suddenly he can't scream because his voice is gone and the blanket is gone.

He wants it back. Everything is simpler with it over his mind.

“I’ll leave it just here, maybe the smell will convince you.” He chuckles out as he puts the tool down on a table, and he leaves, each footstep echoing in the large room before he finally gets to the other side of the room and walks out of a non-discrete door, closing it in a way that made no sound at all.

“Hi-Hide?”

Everything is easier when there’s nothing but the sweet release of death in mind.

“Hide?”

He eyes the tools on the table. Maybe he could use them to get him out of here, a slice to the throat, or perhaps a hard hit to the head, and he’ll just wake back up in his bed in the same way that he has done the past thousand times already.

“Hide!” Blinking, hide turned his head towards the noise, and felt all the air leave his lungs as he made eye contact with his best friend, and he did all he could do is sob in despair and fear.

He had never put too much thought on the in between, the transition between Eyepatch and Centipede, human and ghoul, best friend and stranger, because in his mind, he was Kaneki, he was the person who Hide gave up his life for multiple times and, to him, it didn’t matter if he was a human who was quite and shy or a ghoul who was forced into a role that he didn’t want.

He was still Kaneki.

And he loved him.

Oh.

He loved him.

It was shocking to think about, but looking back up at him, Hide couldn’t do anything but repeat those words in his head again.

He loved him.

“You shouldn’t be here.” The words barely pass Kaneki’s lips and yet still echo around the room, and there’s nothing that Hide wanted right now than a smile to dance on those lips like they did months ago when there was nothing to worry about, when feelings didn’t matter and there were no situations like the ones that he found himself in so many times, too many times.

He’s been so lonely, living his life like this.

“I’m sorry.” Hide replies from his place on the floor, his eyes roaming back to the table, but the thought of dying doesn’t cross his mind, not in the same way as before, not with Kaneki like this.

Never with Kaneki like this.

“Nonono, this isn’t supposed to happen, you weren’t to find out. You were supposed to be normal, you’re supposed to live!” Hide chokes on air, and he’s crying now, he can feel his face getting wet and the tears dropping onto the dead ghoul’s clothing and he can't find the argument to disagree with him.

Kaneki needs to live.

After all, he has all the time in the world.

It was his job to die.

Standing up, he winces at the shooting pain that goes up his leg, and the way that his chest protests at the movement as he hobbles along to the table, almost collapsing onto it when he gets there.

“Wh-what are you doing?!” Hide only shakes his head at the answers, the movement causing a cough to rack his entire body, a hand coming up to catch the blood that comes out of his mouth.

He hasn’t got long then.

Picking up the pliers from the table, he quickly hops along to Kaneki, another tear falling at the flinch, and he lets out another tear at the thought of even bringing him harm. He collapses at his best friend’s feet, and he grabs one of the chains keeping him down, quick to put the metal in the tool but slow to actually break it, putting all his weight and strength into breaking one of the links.

“Hide-” He shakes his head, but smiles when there’s the sound of metal breaking, and he moves onto the next one, a cough bringing up more blood and a shout from Kaneki.

He’s missed this, the concern, the sound, the selfless way that he puts everyone before him.

He missed him so much it hurt.

He still smiles as he tries to break another chain, so much harder for some reason, but he places it on the fact that he probably has a concussion from earlier, and does the same for his hearing as individual words become meaningless to him.

And, suddenly, he’s not breaking a link in a chain that is keeping Kaneki down, but rather staring straight at him, watching as he cries and shouts and grows angry while a pressure on his neck seems to be growing heavier and heavier and the pinpricks of pain seem to grow.

Oh…

_Oh._

He blinks slowly, trying to listen to the words, but instead all his can hear is his own blood racing in his ears and the laughter that seems to be growing. There’s more pain growing in Kaneki’s face, but he sees that both of his legs are free to move, and he seems to see that too, and he knows that nothing will stop him anymore, even if he doesn’t make it.

He won’t make it.

_I love you._

But, it doesn’t matter.

_I love you._

He’s already died a thousand times, in a thousand different ways, in a thousand different places, caused by a thousand different people for a thousand different reasons, only to wake up on the same bed, in the same place, at the same time, looking up at the same ceiling with a racing mind.

But, that’s okay.

Because, as he looks up into his grey eyes, filled with tears and sorrow and the sprouting seed of hope, all he can do is smile as bright as he can, and feel the blanket being lifted from his head, making him be able to breath and think in a clearer way than he could in a century.

And it’s okay.

Because, he knows as the laughter rises in the background and the knife travels across his neck, leaving a numbing but wet trail, that he’ll do all of this again, gladly, a thousand times more.

It’s okay, because it’s always for him.

_“I love you.”_


	5. Acceptance

 

* * *

 

_ Taking pains to remove the pains of others is the true essence of generosity. _

_ -Abu Bakr _

 

* * *

 

 

When Hide wakes up, he quickly sits up and his hand quickly comes up to his neck, a hand snaking around his throat and carefully going over where Kaneki once bit Cycles upon Cycles ago now, and he smiles and giggles and laughs and his hand comes up to his face to try to muffle his joy but instead comes across tears that are streaking down his face, not that he couldn’t bring himself to care, not anymore, not after everything he’s been through.

He’s alive. 

He’s alive and Kaneki’s alive and they’re both alive and he loves him. 

He loves him, and loves him, and loves him. 

He knows it shouldn’t feel as sudden as it does, but all that he could focus on what the fact that he loves him and loves him and loves him, even if he can't have him to hold and cuddle and kiss and love in the way that he wants too. After everything he has been through, and everything he’s going to go through, he should be hating him for what Kaneki unintentionally done to him, what he’s suffered and gone through, living with the knowledge that these feelings will never be returned. 

But he doesn’t hate him for it, even if he once did in the past, he doesn’t care about any of it anymore, because he loves him and loves him and loves him, and that’s enough then, now, and forever.

For a split second, an idea pops into his head, and he wonders if it was all a dream, some fantastical horror nightmare, but then quickly shakes off the idea. This is clearly not the first time, the second time or even the 100 th time that he’s woken on the same bed (at this point, he doesn’t know how many times this has happened, he’s lost count, and at this point he doesn’t care about the amount of times it’s happened or will happen). He thinks about the fact that this couldn’t be a dream, not really, because there was no way that this was able to be a dream, as the pain was too vivid, and the love was too real and it all just hurt too much to have been thought up in his head. 

He doesn’t care, because he loves him and loves him and loves him, and he will go through everything again if he must.

He gets out of bed and try to turn his mind to other things, the mundane things, like college or the subjects he still regrets choosing or the lessons he knows too much about or the pile of essays that were due, but he’ll forever procrastinate until the last hour, or over meetings that are coming up or how he should probably avoid Nishio until he and Kaneki get their act together and are able to act like they’re actually humans and not ghouls, but the thought of Kaneki just distracts him from the idea of thinking of other things and he gets his phone out and starts texting because he misses him, he misses him and he loves him so much.

He goes to the lecture again, lunch and then the second lecture afterwards, before he frowns and checks his phone, despite knowing and expecting no response from his friend. 

Nevertheless, he still texts his best friend as much as he could get away with, making sure to give Kaneki the opportunity to pretend that he was sitting with him in what was probably a white bleak hospital room surrounded by hot nurses and doctors that were probably keeping the poor sod out. He makes sure to take good notes in their shared classes despite knowing them almost word for word by now for his friend and visits his apartment often enough to make sure that the plants don’t die in Kaneki’s absence, trying to ignore the way that he catches himself staring at the place where the drugs will soon be kept. 

And if he was actively avoiding alleyways, dodging certain people in the street that he knows have a file in a file cabinet in the CCG and avoiding a particular cafe, well, he wasn’t telling anything to Kaneki. 

He didn’t need to know about it, anyway.

(He does buy a new calendar for the next upcoming year, finds the date, circles it vigorously, then counts.)

(268 days left to go.)

 

* * *

 

 

(240 days left to go.)

He makes sure that Kaneki has his food on time for the revelation. 

And if it’s the cheapest food he could get his hands on, and made sure that none of it was truly his favourite food, well, then that was just a coincidence and not the fact that he was just making sure that Kaneki’s last memory of a burger or soda be that of a good memory, not of the frantic panic of finding out that he has jumped from one species to another and the awful taste that comes with it. 

He’s going to face enough pain and suffering as it is, at least keep the good memories good for a longer period of time. 

And, when the door handle goes down with the weight of the bag and the front door opens, it takes everything Hide has not to step into the apartment and rifle through a few things, take something that isn’t his, and walk away again. 

He wasn’t going to do that, not again. Not when he already knew the outcome of that trip.

So, instead of stealing pills to take when everything went downhill, he closes the door and places the bag on the door handle again. Before he leaves, he gets out the receipt and writes a message to Kaneki, adding one of his really bad drawings on the bottom for good measure.

Then, he leaves, putting his headphones on really loudly and make that every step down the stairs was a good secure one, hand gripping the banister tightly and avoiding the small puddle on one of the steps like it was a mine bomb. 

At this point, he’s gathered that anything could kill him. 

(The next time he sees Kaneki, Kaneki thanks him for the food. Hide smiles and replies, “No worries man!”)

(Then, Kaneki frowns and asks if he noticed if the door was unlocked. Hide scratches his chin and lies, “no, I didn’t.”)

 

* * *

 

 

(227 days left to go.)

He’s learned his lesson, he at least thinks he has by this point, and goes by Nishio’s place by himself. Surprisingly enough, the ghoul was less defensive than in any other Cycle, and Hide wonders if this is something that he should have done all along. 

Ugh, how stupid of him to drag Kaneki along with him everywhere he went. 

(But he doesn’t want to let him go...)

(…Rabbits die of loneliness…)

(…But he gets the idea that he’s going to die anyway.)

Although, maybe, it’s because he knocked first, giving Kimi some time to get dressed again before he comes in and asks for the DVD. 

Of course, the older ghoul was still rather gruff and sour with him, but he did cockblock him after all, so it does sound reasonable that he is slightly annoyed at Hide for his actions. And, whether if it’s because Kimi’s standing there and watching their interactions or the fact that there isn’t another ghoul on his turf, Hide is able to get the DVD straight away with no awkward eating or painful fighting, and when he walks away he frowns because he comes to the realisation that the DVD had been there the entire time, in every Cycle, meaning that they didn’t need to have torn the whole dorm apart ‘looking’ for it. 

Hide didn’t know that he could dislike the ghoul any more than he previously did, but, he did love a good surprise too.

So, that was that. Kaneki was never coming with him again to visit Nishio when he next died and had to start a new Cycle again, because it meant that he didn’t have to almost die or wake up in Anteiku with the gruff teenage ghoul breathing down his neck.

That was one certain death under the under the rug, now, for the rest of them.

 

* * *

 

 

(187 days left to go.)

Kaneki still manages to get his job at Anteiku, and Hide wonders what events actually happened for it to be given to him in the first place, because clearly the fight with Nishio wasn’t the only factor in this event. But, it doesn’t really matter how he got the job at the end of the day, because Kaneki is still happily serving coffee to the customers, ghoul and human alike, and he smiles at every single one of then, and Hide couldn’t get enough of that smile. 

What he wouldn’t do for that smile to be directed at him. 

He sighs as he looks down at the cake in front of him, delicious and sweet like any other time he’s been to Anteiku, and he wonders how ghouls are able to make food such as these small cakes without tasting them or even knowing what they’re supposed to taste like. 

He looks up again, and instead of Kaneki sorting the customers’ orders, it’s now Touka, who’s happily serving coffee to them, ghoul and human alike, and she smiles at every single one of them, and Hide wonders how fake that smile is, how much it hurts to put it on everyday and live with it on despite not wanting to put it on. 

(Why wonder when it was once part of your life?)

(Why wonder when you already know?)

She turns around and looks at him, still smiling, and even gives him a small wave before going back to the front bar and talking to Kaneki about something. 

Does she still want to kill him?

(He sells his bike a week later.)

(It’s far too tempting to ride it right into the front of a car these days.)

 

* * *

 

 

(163 days left to go.)

When Hide wakes up, he sits up and a hand comes up to his neck and he screams, or he tries to scream but there’s no air in his lungs, and there’s liquid on the hand that is touching his neck and oh god is bleeding? Is he dying? Is he going to be stuck in a cycle of dying in his bed only to wake up on his bed only to die again? He couldn’t do that, not after all of this, not to be stuck in something like and when he is finally able to bring his hand away from his face he blinks in surprise because, while his hand is wet, there’s no blood, only sweat, and tears. 

A hand reaches further up his face, feeling the tears fall from his eyes, and he hates that he’s here again. 

He doesn’t even remember dying that time. 

How did he die this time?

He slowly regains his breath, and he makes sure to take a deep breath in and slowly releases it as he gets off his bed, tripping over some dirty laundry and a odd bit of paper as he makes his way to the bathroom, eyes flickering from his phone, alight with a new message from Kaneki, asking him where he is, and as he turns on the light to the bathroom and looks at the mirror to see his bloodless face, the tension leaves his body, which feels him with so much relief that he’s got his wax wings flying him up and up and up-

Until the daunting realisation that he must have died again hit him, and the wax on his wings melts and the feathers come apart and he falls, and falls and falls. 

He hates lifting himself after something like this happens. 

He wonders how he died last time. 

He goes to leave the bathroom but the sight of his bedroom makes him stop in his step and sigh at the mess that has built up in a past that he now barely remembers and, in the split second of anger and frustration he turns around and smashes his fist into bathroom, taking a slight satisfaction in the sound of glass fragment into a million pieces and his hand stings from the embedded crystals, but unlike before, there is no relief coming from the pain that pulses from his knuckles right up to his elbow. 

He sighs again, and pulls out the small first aid kit that hides behind what used to be the mirror and tenses his jaw as he carefully takes out the glass, throwing the bloody pieces on top of the pile in in the sink, and tried to pretend he wasn’t fascinated in the way that the blood drips onto of the once clear crystals below. Finally, he’s able to clean the wound and bandage it up, and he’s glad that Kaneki is in hospital otherwise the questioning would be horrible and Hide always hated lying to his best friend, even when his best friend wasn’t clear with him. 

He walks back into his room, moving a pile of finished coursework into a corner with his foot as he lands on his bed, the curtains half open, letting a bit of sunlight hit his phone in the angle so that it goes in his eyes and annoy him until he goes over to the device and turn it on, the text from Kaneki asking he was at the top, highlighted as a priority. 

A text from Kaneki?

But he was in hospital…

Unless…

Quickly unlocking his phone, he brought his menu bar down, and laughed when he saw the date, and he started to cry again, gripping onto the phone tightly and his wings were back, and he had never been higher. 

He forgets to text Kaneki until the sun is low in the horizon and he gets a frantic phone call from an anxious Kaneki. 

(So, he does care, in his own way….)

(The next time he sees Kaneki, Kaneki gives him the notes for the lessons he missed. Hide smiles thanks him.)

(Then, Kaneki frowns and asks what had happened for him to not come into college. Hide scratches his chin and lies, “just came down with something I guess!”)

 

(119 days left to go.)

The day that Kaneki disappears from his life comes far too soon, and feels as sudden as it was the first time, but this time, he knows what’s going on, knows what is happening to Kaneki, knows that Kaneki will never be the same person after this, that the next time he sees his best friend he will be a flesh eating monster and he will invite him in anyway because he’s Kaneki Ken and he’s his best friend and the person that he loves. 

So, instead of dressing up as a homeless ghoul using the clothes stolen off a dead ghoul and following Jason around the 11 th Ward, he dresses up as a homeless ghoul using the clothes stolen off a dead ghoul and gets to know the sewer system underneath 20 th ward, starts to memorise the twists and turns and tries to learn as much of the layout as he can before the Day comes. Of course, he gives the tip to the CCG about the ghoul’s in 11 th Ward, and he watches from afar in the stolen clothes the fight and he wonders if it’s all worth it.

He doesn’t wonder for long. 

He knew the answer from the start anyway. 

(He can count down the days now, he knows how many days he has left, he has the day circled several times like they do in the movies, and he can’t wait.)

(It’s been going on for far too long, anyway.)

 

* * *

 

 

(61 days left to go.)

“Okay, so we need to put a poster around here somewhere…” Hide smiles (somehow) and the guy following him around with the box of posters smiles back nervously, and it painfully reminds hide of Kaneki, and he’s forgotten how much he hates the waiting, forgotten how long it took to get there, but this time, he’s prepared, he knows the sewers, knows the roads and backstreets and importantly, he knows Kaneki. 

He is his best friend after all. It’s part of the job description. 

“What about here?” Hide asks, pointing to the missing poster of Kaneki, but he doesn’t give the other enough time to object as he walks straight over the poster and starts to take it down. 

Some friend, right.

(At least he put them up in the first place. He’s forgotten sometimes, and intentionally didn’t do it other times, and that just makes it even worse.)

“Dude, what are you doing? You can't take down a missing poster for Christ’s sakes!” Hide sighs loudly as he turns back towards the other, taking in his soft face, his brown hair and bright blue eyes. He wasn’t like Kaneki in any way, shape, or form, and he liked to follow him around like a lost puppy because he transferred halfway through the year and decided that following Hide was better than acknowledging the fact that he didn’t in fact have any friends. 

Hide was too lonely himself to send him away, not that he would, could, admit the fact that he was lonely to anyone.

Except for Kaneki, of course. 

“We need a good spot for the posters, and this is the best one in the area, so if we put it here, the everyone will see it and then they will come to the festival!” Hide exclaims, but as the boy goes to open his mouth to argue with him (he has too much balls to replace Kaneki and yet too little) he catches a glimpse of purple and turns to see Touka staring directly at him, seemingly in shock. He mutters something to the kid (he could never be Kaneki), passes him the poster (he misses Kaneki so much) and walks away toward the teenage ghoul, and asks if she’s okay, if she wants a coffee, or a chat. 

She says yes to all three. 

“Kaneki is still missing, isn’t he?” Hide frowns at her words when he comes back with two black coffees and sets one in front of her. 

She’d know more than he would.

“Yes, he is.” The words are bunt and hurtful, but who it hurt more confuses Hide, as both of them hold a blank face and a silence that only Kaneki could break. 

“What do you think he’s up to?” She asks looking down at her coffee, before bringing it up and taking a sip. Hide does the same, now able to hide his flinch at the sour and bitter taste as well as what it leaves behind in his mouth. When people ask why he drinks black coffee, he smiles and says it’s cheaper that way, because energy drinks were so expensive these days, and says the same thing to Touka when she asked about it before talking about Kaneki. But, he knows that isn’t the reason. 

(This is the only human thing that his best friend and the love of his life can drink for the rest of his life, and if his best friend is suffering, then he is too.)

(What an unhealthy mindset to live in…)

“Who knows at this point. Maybe he’s lost in a mind of his own because of everything he reads, lost in the darkness and he can't get out.” Hide mutters and then laughs bitterly, taking another mouthful of the coffee and letting the taste settle in before swallowing the hot liquid. He’s made Touka uncomfortable, he can feel it, but he doesn’t care. 

He doesn’t give a fuck about her. It’s not like she’s going to kill him, not at this point, not this far. 

“I bet he’s reading a book right this second!” she says as she stands tall and proud, letting her fair frame her face in the prettiest of ways and suddenly,  _ suddenly _ , Hide understands everything. 

He understands why Kaneki is falling in love with her. 

So, he gulps down his coffee and smiles at the girl, who doesn’t know what she’s got herself into, not really, not yet, and stands and goes to leave, ready to leave her behind in a part of the ward that he knows more about than her, but he stops in his tracks, and the words leave his mouth before he can stop them. 

“Don’t lie to me next time, will ya?”

And then he leaves her behind with a bitter taste in both of their mouths, and not just from the coffee, and he frowns and wonders when the next time he will see her will be. 

(Probably when they’re both dead and lusting over a guy who hurts them too much.)

(That night, he begins to time himself as he races from one end of the sewer to the other, ghoul clothing now not necessary since the smell of sewers has integrated into his skin and he doubts that any number of showers could wash it off.)

(There’s no Kaneki to interrogate him over the smell.)

(Two months. Then it was showtime.)

 

* * *

 

 

(30 days left to go.)

He doesn’t get in an argument with Amon about his will this time, and now that he’s sitting at his desk that was once used for schoolwork, staring down at the blank piece of paper, he wonders what he should say. 

There’s nothing left to say anymore. 

He sits back in his chair, frowns, before leading forwards and writes. He then folds the piece of paper up and puts it in the envelope.

 

* * *

 

 

(0 days left to go.)

Time blurs, and he blinks, and time flies, and he can't remember what happened yesterday nor the day before, and it's time. 

Finally, it’s time. 

The fight between Amon and Kaneki is just as bit scary to watch this time as it was the last couple of times he’s watched it. 

This is the third time he’s seen this fight, the third time he’s made it this far, the third time he’s going to attempt to save his best friend from the Reaper, from hunger, from himself. 

And, well, they always say that the third time's the charm.

(Who were they to think that?)

Frowning at the screen, he leans forward and watches as they fight to what they think will be the death, and is glad that he remembers the outcome of this fight this time around, because he didn’t know if he could stand rooted in fear as two people he liked (with obvious biases of course) tried to kill the other. Kaneki will make it to the sewers (which he knows like the back of his hand now, since he goes down there so often that a dead ghouls clothing wasn’t needed) and while Amon will lose a limb, but he’ll be fine enough, he’ll live.

Maybe. 

It’s scary, however, to think that it’s been years since he was here, and yet, he remembers like it was only five minutes ago. 

Time just flies, doesn’t it?

So, he can only watch as back up comes for Amon, and Kaneki activates his kakuja, and sighs as Marude carries on giving orders to his men, and continues to countdown the seconds to when he leaves to make sure Kaneki lives, because he’s prepared this time, prepared with secrets that he’ll keep to the upcoming grave and with bitterness that has come and gone over the last Cycles and a love that he isn’t sure about it’s outcome. 

Then, like before, Amon loses his arm and Kaneki gains a hole in his side, and he tightens his jaw with frustration and his body fills with adrenaline and he leaves Marude’s side and runs out of the truck and ignores his superior’s shouting as he runs into the rain and dodges people guarding the barricades and goes down an alley, a different one this time, one that he set up to have an easy opening to the underground sewer system and despite the darkness now surrounding him on all sides he sets off in a sprint as he jumps over dumped bodies mysterious lumps in the thin layer of water, the smell nothing new to his nose as he runs and runs and runs, all the while he wonders where Kaneki could be. 

He doesn’t know. 

He knew the sewers by heart now, he should know what Kaneki would be, but he doesn’t, so he runs and he runs and he runs until he stops and huffs and takes a breath, leaving him to the dark silence where the rush of his blood and the stutter of his breath were the only things that could be heard.

He was all alone down here. 

No one would find him, even if he were to die. 

That line of thought was new and brings no peace to his heart, and yet, he relaxes all the same, so when the screams and shouts happen he jumps and almost screams himself, but catches himself because he recognises this voice and he knows this voice because it’s Kaneki.

“My body is mine, get oUT OF MY BODY!!!

He’s missed him so much. 

“GIVE IT TO ME!!! MY MEAT!! IT’S MINE!!!”

Hide stumbles along the corridor towards the voice, his legs wanting to give way to him, and then he turns a corner and he sees him, lying on the ground, screaming in pain and sadness, and all he could think of was how everything has changed for Kaneki. 

He wonders how things have changed for him, how they’ve changed him.

(Does he want to know?)

He gets closer to Kaneki, closer to the danger, closer the end, and he smiles. He smiles because Kaneki turns around when he starts to talk (what is he talking about, he can’t hear his words, he can't hear anything but the blood in his ears), he smiles when the screaming stops, and he smiles as he reaches an arm forward to touch Kaneki’s shoulder. 

“I knew all along, man!” 

He’s still smiling, even though his heart is broken.

“I want to help you, but I can only do it if you work with me, if you promise to fight just one more time, with everything you have.” There’s a shake of his head, and tears spring up in Hide’s eyes. He frowns angrily while the tears begin to drop and he brings his hand on his neck and digs his nails into his skin hard enough to draw blood, which he knows catches Kaneki’s attention. 

Good.

“Please Kaneki! It’s the only way…” There’s a nod, and the mask crumbles away to show Kaneki’s bloody face with his ghoul eye on full show, no eyepatch to hide it now. 

And, even through it all, all the deaths and all the pain and grief that Hide’s been through to get to this point, he can’t help but look at that face, that beautiful face that he hasn’t seen in months, and fall in love just that little bit more.

_ He loves him. _

Hide leans forward, and press his lips on Kaneki’s, makes it as forceful and desperate as the first time, and is still smiling as the world erupts into a fire of pain.

And then everything is dark.

He could have never been happier.

_ He loves him, with all his heart. _

 

* * *

(5 days after.)

_ The dead have finally been named, collected, and bagged, or pieces of them have been at least for some cases.  _

_ The list of the dead is long and tragic.  _

_ The list of the missing is short and mysterious, with only one name written under the title. _

_ Nagachika Hideyoshi. _

 

* * *

 

 

(11 days after.)

_ When Hide wakes up, he’s tired and exhausted, dizzy, and confused. He’s in pain, and he doesn’t know why.  _

_ He hears someone calling his name. _

_ He closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. _

 

* * *

 

 

(25 days after.)

_ The last Will and Testimony of Nagachika Hideyoshi, known to his friends as Hide. _

_ I give all my worldly possessions to Kirishima Touka, the girl who served me and my best friend coffee the day before everything changed for the worse, to do as she wishes. I also impart a small piece of advice to her.  _

_ Do not give up on him. Wait, and he will come.  _

_ Signed: Hide _

(It was read despite his missing status.)

(It didn’t have the information that they were looking for, so they did as it said anyway.)

 

* * *

 

 

(42 days after.)

_ When Hide wakes up, he is confused. The ceiling has no cracks nor any mold, and he wonders if the landlord has listened to him this time, but then again, his vision seems to be blurry for some reason, so he doubted it.  _

_ He wakes up in the same place every time, it wouldn’t have changed. _

_ He tries to let out a sigh, he died again, he has to do it all again, and he goes to sit up but he feels too hot despite the fact that there’s something cool on his head, and his throat its dry but as he tries to swallow he only ends up coughing painfully, and then there’s shouting and god does that hurt your head and he wants it all too stop so he closes his eyes and flinches at every touch and lets himself be drifted off into the darkness again.  _

 

* * *

 

 

(71 days after.)

_ When Hide wakes up, he wakes up properly, no blurred vision, no fever making his body too warm, no headache that threatened to kill him again.  _

_ He sits up slowly, and frowns when he realises that he wasn’t in his room in his apartment. He catches his breath in his lungs, and places a hand around his aching throat, fingers shaking when they come into contact with thick bloody bandages.  _

_ He lets out a silent scream. _

_ (He later finds out that he can't speak anymore, not with the way that his throat is.) _

_ (Marude is there to suffer the panic attack, and he’s so grateful that no questions are asked, because he doesn’t have the energy to put into words everything that he is feeling.) _

 

* * *

 

 

(1392 days after.)

_ It’s been years since he first woke up on the other side of the attack on 20 _ _ th _ _ ward.  _

_ (Not as many years as he had been stuck in those Cycles.) _

_ It’s been years, and so much has changed. Kaneki has grown up, kinda. He was still that book loving kid that he met back in elementary, back when none of the wars they fought in now mattered and back when they were young and innocent and having this sort of love was okay. But, now, he was confident, openingly emotional to everyone around him, and was in charge because of a mountain of lies that was only getting taller and taller.  _

_ Everything has changed now. The CCG was in tatters, those believed to be immortal were now dead and those believed to be dead were now ghouls. Kaneki had a career, and then chucked it down the drain for the ghouls that he loved, and was now causing a lot of mass destruction while he left his pregnant wife to look for him.  _

_ Pregnant wife, huh? _

_ Hide doesn’t think he’s changed mentally in the past couple of years, he still follows Kaneki like a blind rabbit, after all.  _

_ A blind, and surprisingly not dead, rabbit. _

_ The sound of the rain hitting the umbrella was soothing, but it still wasn’t able to get the thought of Kaneki in trouble, Kaneki in pain, Kaneki screaming out for him while Jason kills him, out of his head, and he could feel Akira’s and Amon’s concern on the back of his neck. He tells them about the short window of time they now have, and now they only had one shot at this, he only had one shot at this, because he’s wasted the last couple of years in misery over the fact that he was not dead (not that he would admit it) instead of preparing for what was to come.  _

_ (It’s probably the reason why he was advised against seeing Kaneki again, because while he doesn’t talk about what has happened in his past, they still have seen him have flashbacks and panic attacks.)  _

_ (The real reason why it took so long to see Kaneki after all this time was because he wasn’t ready for the reminder of the person who stole his heart without trying.) _

_ The people behind him know nothing of what has happened to Hide to get this far. They know the origins of his facial scars, yes, but the root of the problem is that they think that is also the reason behind his mental scars, and thus, they must know everything about him, and must think him strange to trust the person who almost killed him.  _

_ How stupidly ignorant these people were.  _

_ “Why are you willing to go this far for Kaneki Ken?” Amon asks, and the tone of his voice is judgemental, but Hide can’t find it in himself to be hurt by the words. _

_ Instead, he turns around and gives them what is supposed to be a smile, but since he can no longer do that, he gives a pointed look instead. _

“Because I love him.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so I haven't updated in a while, but it's because of this bad boy. 
> 
> A special thanks to my artist [tetra-fluoride](http://tetra-fluoride.tumblr.com/) and my beta [hideeyoshii](http://hideeyoshii.tumblr.com/). Without them, this fic would not be the same as what you are reading, especially for the end of chapter four :)
> 
> You can find me on my own [tumblr](https://www.skiewrites.tumblr.com/), so you can message me hate comments about how awful I am for making Hide go through something like this.
> 
> See ya!


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